ISIS

Sark Saturday (28 Feb 15) The End of February 2015 Edition

The following is sarcasm, while our intent is not to irritate, aggravate, humiliate, or any other …ate, we can not deny that we don’t have a problem with those things.  So if you are irritated, aggravated, humiliated, or any other …ated, please leave a quick note, that way we can cachinnate.

 

SarkSat

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA

Soon to be retiring Attorney General Eric “The Duck” Holder has blamed Fox news for Americans (and I am assuming Britons, Australians, French, Israelis, Syrians, Jordanians, Iraqis, Afghans, Indians, Pakistanis, Canadians, Belgians, Danes, Russians etc) for thinking that terrorism is a threat.  I am not sure if that factored into his flat-out refusal to give an “exit” interview to Fox news or could it possibly be that Ducky played this game…[Link]

 

Dateline:  Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe

President/King/Self-Proclaimed Semi-Divine Being Bob celebrated his 91st birthday at the colonial-era town near the famed waterfall.  While giving no indications of stepping down anytime soon, Bob and his guests (members of the ruling junta) gorged themselves on the meat of a pair of elephants that oh so willingly gave up their lives to sate Bob’s prodigious hunger.  [Where is PETA when you need them?]  After blaming the UK for all the ills of Zimbabwe’s current condition, he stated that he planned to “liberate” more white “safari owners” land.  Translating Bob-ese into English that means more land stolen from anyone who opposes his autocratic inept rule to be redistributed to his loyalists.  So anyone thinking of taking safari to Zimbabwe…Don’t.  It could be a fatal error.

 

Dateline:  Cairo, Arab Republic of Egypt

In a shocking turn of events, Judge Mohamed el-Sayed of the Court For Urgent Matters ruled that Hamas (the totally NOT corrupt and incompetent rulers of the Gaza strip) is a terrorist group, citing recent attacks on civilians and security forces in the Sinai and beyond, because they intended to harm the country (Egypt).    Although one wonders if this has anything to do with the rumors floating around that ISIS has established a presence in Gaza and Hamas fighters were flocking to the new wannabes, and that Hamas leadership were in communication and possibly negotiations with ISIS for some sort of partnership.  Egypt has already bombed ISIS targets in Libya after the mass murder of Egyptian Coptic Christian workers there.

 

Dateline:  London, England, Great Britain

In news that spits in the face of Marie Harf, deputy spokesperson for the US State Department, who stated that we need to give terrorists jobs to prevent terrorism.  Jihad Johnny/Jihad John (aka Mohammed Emwazi) was college educated (with a degree in computer science) and was not in need of job, he is in need of a bullet to the brain, a tomahawk to the torso, or a hellfire to the head.  Marie Harf who is shockingly an intelligence analyst by trade, defended her statement by claiming that her argument was too nuanced for some, or it could possibly be that her argument was just plain IDIOTIC.  Nearly all wars end when one side gets tired of dying, meaning you CAN kill your way out of a war.  Lack of jobs do not create terrorists, power-hungry assholes create terrorists.  Less I remind everyone that Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan had nearly 100% employment, and both continued to fight until we (The US, UK, USSR, and our allies) killed enough of them that they begged for peace.  Gee, you think that would work here?  Absolutely.  Germany and Japan both had a major cultural changes after the war, both of those countries are now some of the most peaceful countries on the planet.  That sounds like a good plan to me.  I would love to see, a Christian church, a Jewish synagogue, a Hindu Temple, a Buddhist Pagoda or Vihara, and a Pagan Sacred Grove in Mecca along with the Mosque there.

 

Dateline:  New York City, New York, USA

If you were wondering what the United Nations has been up to for the past couple of months while ISIS (Daesh) has been chopping heads off, burning people alive, and generally committing genocide, well so were we hence we looked into it.   The UN Security council has…as of late last evening, strongly condemned the “ongoing barbaric terrorist acts” committed by militants of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) aka ISIS or Daesh or a bunch of asshats running around killing, raping, destroying, you know crimes against humanity type things that the UN was allegedly formed to stop, and reaffirmed its determination in defeating the extremist group.  Wow!!  Can you feel the determination?  Rumors abound about ISIS contemplating surrendering to the UN.  Not really.  Good thing we pay millions of dollars for the UN to deplore ISIS’s genocide.  Bravo UN, keep up the great work.  In other news, UN chief Ban Ki-moon visited a dam in Chile.  While I generally don’t criticize the UN, mainly because I don’t pick low hanging fruit, seriously I couldn’t let this one slide by.

 

on a lighter note:

 

Dateline:  Outside a Pub, Ireland

An intellectually challenged thief met his match when he tried repeatedly to break the window on a Mercedes, until the brick he threw at the defenseless vehicle bounced off, hit him in the face, and knocked him unconscious.  If I were Mercedes marketing, I would make a commercial out of the video.

 

 

Saturday Sark (31 Jan 15)

SarkSat

The following is sarcasm.  Enjoy at your own risk.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C.

In bizarre and ultimately failed attempt at the famed Jedi mind trick, assistant to the assistant to the deputy of the secretary of the assistant deputy White House spokesman, Eric Schultz tried to convince John Karl of ABC news that the Taliban weren’t a terrorist group.  132 children would disagree, if they could.

In other news President Obama has abandoned his plan to pay for the first 2 years of community college, by taking college savings away.

 

Dateline:  Paris, France

Earlier this month, Secretary of State  John Kerry finally arrived in ‘plans’ to join the Paris Anti-Terror Rally (Charlie Hebdo) nearly a week after Attorney General Eric Holder slithered out of the City of Lights to avoid going, to say nothing of Uncle Joe, who eagerly volunteered to run to Saudi Arabia to creep on comfort anyone who would let him in the wake of the old King’s death, didn’t attend, and the President….too busy for the Valerie Jarret described ‘parade’.

 

Dateline:  Ar-Raqqah, Syria

Daesh (ISIS) have released the latest edition of their state sponsored magazine, in it, the detail the correct way to raise little terrorists, also included recipes for the loving wife.

There has been no response from ISIS to Jordan’s warning that if their pilot was killed, that Jordan would go all Black September on them.

 

Dateline:  Top Secret Base, Undisclosed Location

We have saved the best for last, Michael Moore, famed for his propaganda movies in the form of documentaries to say nothing of his magnum opus, Canadian Bacon, has decided that “we” were taught that snipers were cowards, and not wanting any Americans to be considered cowards has volunteered to replace all the snipers in the US Military with a weapon of his own design, so without further ado…

we present…

 

the Michael Francis Moore Wonder Weapon (M103A3E2)

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First you take Michael,

Michael Moore

Michael Moore

then since the military doesn’t make body armor in that size,

he strips naked, wraps himself in a camo net

Camouflage Net aka Camo Net

Camouflage Net aka Camo Net

and then he waits for the enemy to be about to attack innocent civilians or friendly forces and

he throws off the camo and charges into battle, as seen below

CAUTION THE FOLLOWING PICTURE CAN AND WILL CAUSE RETINA DAMAGE

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Please turn away, we beg you, the horror of a naked Michael Moore in full on charge is enough to break anyone.

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fine, here it is

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just click the link….if you dare….

LINK to naked Michael Moore in full charge, You have been warned, so we accept no responsibility for heart attacks, strokes, blindness, nausea, vomiting or any other ill effects caused by you looking at this picture.

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We are sorry but due to legal concerns we were forced to redact the photo of naked Michael Moore in full charge, but in the interest of your overwhelming and insatiable curiosity we give you a close facsimile.  Enjoy…

Saturday Sark [The Solstice Surrender Edition] (20 Dec 14)

SarkSat

Welcome to today’s Saturday Sark…

 

Dateline:  Hollywood (actually Culver City), California, USA:

Sony Pictures Entertainment have unconditionally surrendered to the Guardians of Peace, an enigmatic hacker group in the employ of North Korea, and cancelled the Christmas day opening of the Seth Rogan/James Franco movie, The Interview.  Using the pretext of a 9/11 type event at theaters to cancel the opening, when everyone on the planet knows that it is because the GoP promised to release a “Christmas gift”, considering the recent release that shows (the up til now unknown) hypocrisy of Hollywood, no one is surprised that Sony folded up like an origami swan.  Sony has announced that it will make a movie about “The Great Leader”, as requested by Kim Jong-un, the current self-proclaimed semi-divine being/sexiest man alive/president-for-life.  Amy Pascal has already requested an audience with alleged revered Al Sharpton, before doing the biopic, because who knows more about ‘truth’ then Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA:

Not to be out-Petain‘d by Amy Pascal, President Obama has unconditionally surrendered to walking dead caricatures Fidel and Raul Castro the only people on the planet who would accept the surrender.  The White House denied any and all rumors concerning the return of the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base to Cuba, and the transfer/release of the detainees there.

 

 Dateline:  Peshawar, Islamic Republic of Pakistan:

In another blatant example of Islamic apostate extremist ‘bravery’, the Taliban attacked a school.  The government of Pakistan was quick to point out that not one of the attackers were Pakistani, as 1 was Chechen (like the Tsarnov brothers), 2 Afghans, 1 Egyptian, 1 Moroccan, and 1 Arab of unknown nationality.  Some more ‘vital’ facts:

2 were homophobic, 2 were homosexual, and 2 were both;

2 loved women and thought every man should own a few, 2 were too scared to talk about women, 1 preferred goats;

2 had bathed in the last month, 1 in the last 6 months, 2 in the last year, and 1 didn’t know what a bath was;

and there were 9 gunmen.

 

Dateline:  Sydney, Australia:

Crazed gunman Man Haron Monis, who claimed loyalty to daesh (ISIS), before the Sydney Chocolate Cafe hostage crisis.  Vast numbers of people in Australia and around the world have surrendered to lunacy and announced quite vigorously that Monis was crazy (no shit, sherlocks) so it doesn’t count as an Islamic terrorist attack (Oh OK).  No one asked how a crazed man with a long history of legal trouble was able to get his grimy hands on a firearm in Australia were even thinking about guns is banned.

 

Dateline:  New York City, New York, USA:

Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that he was surrendering to demands to follow the example set by a certain Ivy League school‘s policy, that he would allow police officers who were traumatized by the recent protests to take paid leave up to one month, he further decreed that all workers for the City of New York could also take the paid leave, no one in City Hall was available for comment.

In related news, US military personnel take care of business every day.

 

Dateline:  Hawaii, USA:

In his ultimate surrender to date, President Obama, has fled the Oval office, and gone on vacation to his Hawaiian retreat, as he mulls his options for retirement.  Rumors abound about Chicago, Hawaii, Isla de la Juventud, New York City, San Francisco abound, and the President himself joked about retiring to Kenya just to get the goat of birthers.

Wanna-be-Sultan Recep the Aptal has offered the President a comfy estate in Constantinople, while self-proclaimed semi-divine being/King/President Bob has offered the soon to be retired President a home in Harare but only if the President can help him hunt down witches.  No comments from the First Lady.

 

The Preceding is sarcasm, if it offends you, tell a friend, show them this post, both of you should be offended equally.

Blessed Solstice,

Happy Holidays,

and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

 

and remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

 

and gifts for Dak should be in the form of vodka, silver, or blades 😀

 

seriously though, if you find yourself with a few extra coins, please remember all of the veterans out there who are suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tart Tuesday (16 Sep 14)

Be Advised the following is SARCASM.  Mostly True, but…Sarcastic.

Proceed with Caution and Intelligence.

 

— Hillary Clinton has set up her very own Ministry of Propaganda…Correct the Record.  A waste of money IF she isn’t running for President in 2016.

 

— President Obama recently advised ISIS, Kindergarten teachers around the country collectively face-palmed.

 

— Senator Kirsten Gillibrand alleged in her recent book, that she was sexually harassed by fellow politicians, but then refused to name names.  Bill Clinton and Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) breathed a sigh of relief picked up by the Mars lander.

 

— Josh Earnest recently stated “Well, when we are in a position to be more specific about the commitments that we’ve received from our allies and other interested regional governments, then we will do that.”  Josh continued and I did actually have a girlfriend in high school, she lived in Canada.  I’m just saying.  Mrs. Earnest declined to comment, but did laugh hysterically.

 

— Secretary of State John Kerry was stunned to find out that after his Dance of the Seven Veils, that wanna be Sultan Recep Tayyip Erdogan still declined to help fight his BFF, ISIS.  Secretary Kerry was heard saying I showed him my best moves.