The following is sarcasm, while our intent is not to irritate, aggravate, humiliate, or any other …ate, we can not deny that we don’t have a problem with those things. So if you are irritated, aggravated, humiliated, or any other …ated, please leave a quick note, that way we can cachinnate.
Dateline: Washington D.C., USA
Soon to be retiring Attorney General Eric “The Duck” Holder has blamed Fox news for Americans (and I am assuming Britons, Australians, French, Israelis, Syrians, Jordanians, Iraqis, Afghans, Indians, Pakistanis, Canadians, Belgians, Danes, Russians etc) for thinking that terrorism is a threat. I am not sure if that factored into his flat-out refusal to give an “exit” interview to Fox news or could it possibly be that Ducky played this game…[Link]
Dateline: Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe
President/King/Self-Proclaimed Semi-Divine Being Bob celebrated his 91st birthday at the colonial-era town near the famed waterfall. While giving no indications of stepping down anytime soon, Bob and his guests (members of the ruling junta) gorged themselves on the meat of a pair of elephants that oh so willingly gave up their lives to sate Bob’s prodigious hunger. [Where is PETA when you need them?] After blaming the UK for all the ills of Zimbabwe’s current condition, he stated that he planned to “liberate” more white “safari owners” land. Translating Bob-ese into English that means more land stolen from anyone who opposes his autocratic inept rule to be redistributed to his loyalists. So anyone thinking of taking safari to Zimbabwe…Don’t. It could be a fatal error.
Dateline: Cairo, Arab Republic of Egypt
In a shocking turn of events, Judge Mohamed el-Sayed of the Court For Urgent Matters ruled that Hamas (the totally NOT corrupt and incompetent rulers of the Gaza strip) is a terrorist group, citing recent attacks on civilians and security forces in the Sinai and beyond, because they intended to harm the country (Egypt). Although one wonders if this has anything to do with the rumors floating around that ISIS has established a presence in Gaza and Hamas fighters were flocking to the new wannabes, and that Hamas leadership were in communication and possibly negotiations with ISIS for some sort of partnership. Egypt has already bombed ISIS targets in Libya after the mass murder of Egyptian Coptic Christian workers there.
Dateline: London, England, Great Britain
In news that spits in the face of Marie Harf, deputy spokesperson for the US State Department, who stated that we need to give terrorists jobs to prevent terrorism. Jihad Johnny/Jihad John (aka Mohammed Emwazi) was college educated (with a degree in computer science) and was not in need of job, he is in need of a bullet to the brain, a tomahawk to the torso, or a hellfire to the head. Marie Harf who is shockingly an intelligence analyst by trade, defended her statement by claiming that her argument was too nuanced for some, or it could possibly be that her argument was just plain IDIOTIC. Nearly all wars end when one side gets tired of dying, meaning you CAN kill your way out of a war. Lack of jobs do not create terrorists, power-hungry assholes create terrorists. Less I remind everyone that Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan had nearly 100% employment, and both continued to fight until we (The US, UK, USSR, and our allies) killed enough of them that they begged for peace. Gee, you think that would work here? Absolutely. Germany and Japan both had a major cultural changes after the war, both of those countries are now some of the most peaceful countries on the planet. That sounds like a good plan to me. I would love to see, a Christian church, a Jewish synagogue, a Hindu Temple, a Buddhist Pagoda or Vihara, and a Pagan Sacred Grove in Mecca along with the Mosque there.
Dateline: New York City, New York, USA
If you were wondering what the United Nations has been up to for the past couple of months while ISIS (Daesh) has been chopping heads off, burning people alive, and generally committing genocide, well so were we hence we looked into it. The UN Security council has…as of late last evening, strongly condemned the “ongoing barbaric terrorist acts” committed by militants of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) aka ISIS or Daesh or a bunch of asshats running around killing, raping, destroying, you know crimes against humanity type things that the UN was allegedly formed to stop, and reaffirmed its determination in defeating the extremist group. Wow!! Can you feel the determination? Rumors abound about ISIS contemplating surrendering to the UN. Not really. Good thing we pay millions of dollars for the UN to deplore ISIS’s genocide. Bravo UN, keep up the great work. In other news, UN chief Ban Ki-moon visited a dam in Chile. While I generally don’t criticize the UN, mainly because I don’t pick low hanging fruit, seriously I couldn’t let this one slide by.
on a lighter note:
Dateline: Outside a Pub, Ireland
An intellectually challenged thief met his match when he tried repeatedly to break the window on a Mercedes, until the brick he threw at the defenseless vehicle bounced off, hit him in the face, and knocked him unconscious. If I were Mercedes marketing, I would make a commercial out of the video.