Welcome to today’s Saturday Sark…
Dateline: Hollywood (actually Culver City), California, USA:
Sony Pictures Entertainment have unconditionally surrendered to the Guardians of Peace, an enigmatic hacker group in the employ of North Korea, and cancelled the Christmas day opening of the Seth Rogan/James Franco movie, The Interview. Using the pretext of a 9/11 type event at theaters to cancel the opening, when everyone on the planet knows that it is because the GoP promised to release a “Christmas gift”, considering the recent release that shows (the up til now unknown) hypocrisy of Hollywood, no one is surprised that Sony folded up like an origami swan. Sony has announced that it will make a movie about “The Great Leader”, as requested by Kim Jong-un, the current self-proclaimed semi-divine being/sexiest man alive/president-for-life. Amy Pascal has already requested an audience with alleged revered Al Sharpton, before doing the biopic, because who knows more about ‘truth’ then Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Dateline: Washington D.C., USA:
Not to be out-Petain‘d by Amy Pascal, President Obama has unconditionally surrendered to walking dead caricatures Fidel and Raul Castro the only people on the planet who would accept the surrender. The White House denied any and all rumors concerning the return of the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base to Cuba, and the transfer/release of the detainees there.
Dateline: Peshawar, Islamic Republic of Pakistan:
In another blatant example of Islamic apostate extremist ‘bravery’, the Taliban attacked a school. The government of Pakistan was quick to point out that not one of the attackers were Pakistani, as 1 was Chechen (like the Tsarnov brothers), 2 Afghans, 1 Egyptian, 1 Moroccan, and 1 Arab of unknown nationality. Some more ‘vital’ facts:
2 were homophobic, 2 were homosexual, and 2 were both;
2 loved women and thought every man should own a few, 2 were too scared to talk about women, 1 preferred goats;
2 had bathed in the last month, 1 in the last 6 months, 2 in the last year, and 1 didn’t know what a bath was;
and there were 9 gunmen.
Dateline: Sydney, Australia:
Crazed gunman Man Haron Monis, who claimed loyalty to daesh (ISIS), before the Sydney Chocolate Cafe hostage crisis. Vast numbers of people in Australia and around the world have surrendered to lunacy and announced quite vigorously that Monis was crazy (no shit, sherlocks) so it doesn’t count as an Islamic terrorist attack (Oh OK). No one asked how a crazed man with a long history of legal trouble was able to get his grimy hands on a firearm in Australia were even thinking about guns is banned.
Dateline: New York City, New York, USA:
Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that he was surrendering to demands to follow the example set by a certain Ivy League school‘s policy, that he would allow police officers who were traumatized by the recent protests to take paid leave up to one month, he further decreed that all workers for the City of New York could also take the paid leave, no one in City Hall was available for comment.
In related news, US military personnel take care of business every day.
Dateline: Hawaii, USA:
In his ultimate surrender to date, President Obama, has fled the Oval office, and gone on vacation to his Hawaiian retreat, as he mulls his options for retirement. Rumors abound about Chicago, Hawaii, Isla de la Juventud, New York City, San Francisco abound, and the President himself joked about retiring to Kenya just to get the goat of birthers.
Wanna-be-Sultan Recep the Aptal has offered the President a comfy estate in Constantinople, while self-proclaimed semi-divine being/King/President Bob has offered the soon to be retired President a home in Harare but only if the President can help him hunt down witches. No comments from the First Lady.
The Preceding is sarcasm, if it offends you, tell a friend, show them this post, both of you should be offended equally.
and MERRY CHRISTMAS.
and remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE
and gifts for Dak should be in the form of vodka, silver, or blades 😀
seriously though, if you find yourself with a few extra coins, please remember all of the veterans out there who are suffering.