Recep Tayyip Erdogan

Sark Saturday (7 Feb 2015)

The following is sarcasm, if you are intellectually challenged, proceed with caution, if you are easily offended, frequently confused, of an inhibitor of cheap artificial grape-flavored children’s drink, you may wish to flee immediately, the following will surely cause your eyes to pop from your skull, your ears to bleed, and your heart to play The Ballroom Blitz.  You have been warned.

SarkSat

Dateline:  Washington D.C.

At the National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama gave Islam a sharp back-handed compliment (some say it was so good, even he didn’t realize it).

Humanity has been grappling with these questions throughout human history, and lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ.  In our home country, slavery and Jim Crow all too often was justified in the name of Christ.”

Did you see what he did there?

PrezO1

First he referenced the Crusades, which as we all know were the Christian response to Islam conquering Christian lands around the middle east, from Egypt in the South up to what is now Turkey in the North, very smooth, Mr. President; but wait there is more…

PrezO3

the inquisition, a suave reference to a particular episode in the Catholic church’s history that had part of its cause when people were concerned that Muslim converts to Christianity (Moriscos) were supplying Muslim pirates, the Corsairs sailing out of North Africa with the full support of the Caliphate in the form of the Ottoman Empire, information to raid coastal regions of Spain to abduct locals for the slave market; but wait,

????????

there is even more by referencing slavery in the west, he subtly points to the fact that it was Muslim traders with whom the first European traders purchased black Africans as slaves to be shipped to the Americas, and the fact that Muslim traders were instrumental in ensuring a continuous supply of Christian and Pagan black Africans to be shipped off to the Americas as slaves…Bam…painfully slick, like a greased pig, but even then it didn’t stop, Oh no, the President had one more to go, yes he did,

his reference to Jim Crow, a straight up poke in the eye,

Jim Crow…was the name of a lessor known character played by the the world famous caricature actor Sebastian Woodly, Mr. Woodly who would later travel to the middle east where he met and fell in love with a young goat herder, converted to Islam, and then retired to Baltimore, County Cork, Ireland, much to the chagrin of the locals as Mr. Woodley would often chase the livestock about, some say in heartbreak, others say in hunger, and even others say he was just a dodgey old codger.

obama-confused

But I digress,

that last one aside,

it was a pretty smooth set of digs at Muslims and every one true

(again not the last one, to head off any controversy as far as we know there has never been an actor named Sebastian Woodly who did all those things, and any confusion is completely and totally because you missed the part above that said this was sarcasm),

we can only stand back and watch in shock and awe.

Dateline:  Amman, Jordan

KingofJordan

Warrior King Abdullah II of Jordan has issued a personal challenge to mortal combat between himself and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to settle their differences, while we here at Dak’s Bays prefer a cage match with sharpened rusted spoons, one can assume the good King Abdullah who commanded Jordan’s elite special forces could mop the floor with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi whose primary skills include planning world conquest, petting white cats, and indulging his goat fur-lined combat boots fetish.  While it does seem unlikely that Abu Bakr will accept the King’s offer, the good King plans to attempt to use the Royal Jordanian Air Force to bomb daesh to death, assuming Turkey’s Sultan Recep I the Aptal, and our very own President don’t try to stop him.

Dateline:  Johannesburg, South Africa

Mugabe

President/King/Self-Proclaimed Semi-Divine Being Robert “Bob” Mugabe did not fall, but actually fell to his knees in awe of himself.  That’s right, that was no fall, but a form of appreciation of how awesome he is, this feat has only happened a few other times with such notables as Jim Jones, Pol Pot, and Nero.

Images of "The Fall"

Images of “The Fall”

I do hope you enjoyed our quick overview of world events.  If you have a few minutes you should head over to Theo Spark, and take a look around.

Saturday Sark [The Solstice Surrender Edition] (20 Dec 14)

SarkSat

Welcome to today’s Saturday Sark…

 

Dateline:  Hollywood (actually Culver City), California, USA:

Sony Pictures Entertainment have unconditionally surrendered to the Guardians of Peace, an enigmatic hacker group in the employ of North Korea, and cancelled the Christmas day opening of the Seth Rogan/James Franco movie, The Interview.  Using the pretext of a 9/11 type event at theaters to cancel the opening, when everyone on the planet knows that it is because the GoP promised to release a “Christmas gift”, considering the recent release that shows (the up til now unknown) hypocrisy of Hollywood, no one is surprised that Sony folded up like an origami swan.  Sony has announced that it will make a movie about “The Great Leader”, as requested by Kim Jong-un, the current self-proclaimed semi-divine being/sexiest man alive/president-for-life.  Amy Pascal has already requested an audience with alleged revered Al Sharpton, before doing the biopic, because who knows more about ‘truth’ then Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA:

Not to be out-Petain‘d by Amy Pascal, President Obama has unconditionally surrendered to walking dead caricatures Fidel and Raul Castro the only people on the planet who would accept the surrender.  The White House denied any and all rumors concerning the return of the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base to Cuba, and the transfer/release of the detainees there.

 

 Dateline:  Peshawar, Islamic Republic of Pakistan:

In another blatant example of Islamic apostate extremist ‘bravery’, the Taliban attacked a school.  The government of Pakistan was quick to point out that not one of the attackers were Pakistani, as 1 was Chechen (like the Tsarnov brothers), 2 Afghans, 1 Egyptian, 1 Moroccan, and 1 Arab of unknown nationality.  Some more ‘vital’ facts:

2 were homophobic, 2 were homosexual, and 2 were both;

2 loved women and thought every man should own a few, 2 were too scared to talk about women, 1 preferred goats;

2 had bathed in the last month, 1 in the last 6 months, 2 in the last year, and 1 didn’t know what a bath was;

and there were 9 gunmen.

 

Dateline:  Sydney, Australia:

Crazed gunman Man Haron Monis, who claimed loyalty to daesh (ISIS), before the Sydney Chocolate Cafe hostage crisis.  Vast numbers of people in Australia and around the world have surrendered to lunacy and announced quite vigorously that Monis was crazy (no shit, sherlocks) so it doesn’t count as an Islamic terrorist attack (Oh OK).  No one asked how a crazed man with a long history of legal trouble was able to get his grimy hands on a firearm in Australia were even thinking about guns is banned.

 

Dateline:  New York City, New York, USA:

Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that he was surrendering to demands to follow the example set by a certain Ivy League school‘s policy, that he would allow police officers who were traumatized by the recent protests to take paid leave up to one month, he further decreed that all workers for the City of New York could also take the paid leave, no one in City Hall was available for comment.

In related news, US military personnel take care of business every day.

 

Dateline:  Hawaii, USA:

In his ultimate surrender to date, President Obama, has fled the Oval office, and gone on vacation to his Hawaiian retreat, as he mulls his options for retirement.  Rumors abound about Chicago, Hawaii, Isla de la Juventud, New York City, San Francisco abound, and the President himself joked about retiring to Kenya just to get the goat of birthers.

Wanna-be-Sultan Recep the Aptal has offered the President a comfy estate in Constantinople, while self-proclaimed semi-divine being/King/President Bob has offered the soon to be retired President a home in Harare but only if the President can help him hunt down witches.  No comments from the First Lady.

 

The Preceding is sarcasm, if it offends you, tell a friend, show them this post, both of you should be offended equally.

Blessed Solstice,

Happy Holidays,

and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

 

and remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

 

and gifts for Dak should be in the form of vodka, silver, or blades 😀

 

seriously though, if you find yourself with a few extra coins, please remember all of the veterans out there who are suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sark Saturday (22 Nov 14)

SarkSat

 

The following is a sarcastic view on recent world events…if this offends you, please leave a comment, that may make me happy.

 

Dateline – Washington D.C.:  The Treasury Department’s Inspector General has found former IRS head Lois Lerner’s 30,000 “lost” e-mails.  The White House has instructed the IG to be on the look out for the President’s lost popularity.  Wish them luck chasing the questing beast.

The Questing Beast

The Questing Beast

Dateline – rable rousing in Ferguson, Mo: alleged reverend Al “Big Money” Sharpton owes millions in back taxes…unfortunately the IRS is too busy harassing tea party groups to look into his finances, but IRS spokesperson announced that the IRS would look into it sometime in early Frimaire CMXI, as soon as they figure at what year that is.

The Personal Wealth of Al Sharpton

Dateline – Istanbul, Ottoman Empire:  Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) was greeted by ecstatic crowds hoping to see a repeat of his Dance of the Seven Veils.  Uncle Joe also denied that he had apologized to wannabe Sultan Recep I the Aptal.  White House spokesman Josh “Canadian Girlfriend” Earnest denied Uncle Joe’s denial.

Sultan Erdogan

 

 

 

Tart Tuesday (16 Sep 14)

Be Advised the following is SARCASM.  Mostly True, but…Sarcastic.

Proceed with Caution and Intelligence.

 

— Hillary Clinton has set up her very own Ministry of Propaganda…Correct the Record.  A waste of money IF she isn’t running for President in 2016.

 

— President Obama recently advised ISIS, Kindergarten teachers around the country collectively face-palmed.

 

— Senator Kirsten Gillibrand alleged in her recent book, that she was sexually harassed by fellow politicians, but then refused to name names.  Bill Clinton and Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) breathed a sigh of relief picked up by the Mars lander.

 

— Josh Earnest recently stated “Well, when we are in a position to be more specific about the commitments that we’ve received from our allies and other interested regional governments, then we will do that.”  Josh continued and I did actually have a girlfriend in high school, she lived in Canada.  I’m just saying.  Mrs. Earnest declined to comment, but did laugh hysterically.

 

— Secretary of State John Kerry was stunned to find out that after his Dance of the Seven Veils, that wanna be Sultan Recep Tayyip Erdogan still declined to help fight his BFF, ISIS.  Secretary Kerry was heard saying I showed him my best moves.