Sarcasm

Sark Saturday (28 Mar 15) The March Madness of King Barack Edition

SarkSat

The following is sarcasm.  Please enjoy at your own risk.

 

Dateline:  Sana’a, Republic of Yemen

Less than a year after President Obama touted “success” in Yemen and Somalia, Yemen has fallen into a state of civil war, where Sunni terrorists fight Shiite terrorists, and now the Saudi military has had to intervene to save innocents.  Thousands have already died, and this will continue before peace returns.  Meanwhile, in Somalia, al Qaeda affiliate, al Shaaba has terrorized thousands everywhere outside of the self-proclaimed Republic of Somaliland.

 

Dateline:  Tikrit, Republic of Iraq

The Iranian led Shiite Militia offense to push ISIS (Daesh) out of Tikrit has bogged down, President Obama has authorized US airstrikes to help out.

ObamaDrone

 

Dateline:  Tripoli, Libya

Chaos continues to reign supreme in Libya after President Obama led from behind the overthrow of longtime dictator Muammar Gaddafi.  The President plans to announce Libya as another success of his foreign policy soon.

happyObama

 

Dateline:  Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran

In a desperate attempt to get the Iranians to agree to any “deal” President Obama has offered Uncle Joe as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s personal concubine.  The Ayatollah turned down the offer because “Uncle Joe drinks too much for a good concubine.”

sexyjoe

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA

New Afghan President Mohammad Ashraf Ghani, personally thanked the US taxpayer for their hardwork and generous hearts in supporting Afghanistan.  President Obama looked slightly put off and curtly stated, “It’s my money.”

irratedObama

 

Dateline:  Tunis, Tunisia

President Obama stated recently that the Terrorists who attacked the Tunisian National Museum were not terrorists but hungry government workers, and that is why he was going to increase foreign aid to someone, at that point in his statement the president seem to lose his chain of thought and started mumbling about the benefits of basketball to world peace.

obama_basketball

 

Dateline:  a cave in Chechnya

Jaish al Muhajireen wal Ansar briefly expressed their undying Beiber like love of ISIS (daesh) before quickly breaking up, once they found out that daesh was messing with Boko Haram.  President Obama posted on their timeline, how he didn’t think they were as cute of a couple as Kim K and Kanye.

 

The "Cuter" Couple

The “Cuter” Couple

 

Dateline:  hiding out in Nigeria

Boko Haram bigwig Abubakar Shekau sent his love to daesh via online posts, daesh sent some loving back, but Shekau let daesh know in no uncertain terms that Nigeria was his b!tch and would not tolerate daesh moving in, daesh was cool as long as Shekau sent all his man love to daesh.  Needless to say, the Nigerian army has continued to bitch slap Boko Haram around like a red-headed step child.  President Obama has vowed to find out a way to stop the Nigerian army.

Abubakar Shekau giving his sexy smile

Abubakar Shekau giving his sexy smile

 

 

Dateline:  A golf course near D.C., USA

President Obama finished his NCAA brackets and even gave an interview about it.  We can safely assume that his picks will be better than his foreign or domestic policy.  [Link]

 

 

Sark Saturday (28 Feb 15) The End of February 2015 Edition

The following is sarcasm, while our intent is not to irritate, aggravate, humiliate, or any other …ate, we can not deny that we don’t have a problem with those things.  So if you are irritated, aggravated, humiliated, or any other …ated, please leave a quick note, that way we can cachinnate.

 

SarkSat

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA

Soon to be retiring Attorney General Eric “The Duck” Holder has blamed Fox news for Americans (and I am assuming Britons, Australians, French, Israelis, Syrians, Jordanians, Iraqis, Afghans, Indians, Pakistanis, Canadians, Belgians, Danes, Russians etc) for thinking that terrorism is a threat.  I am not sure if that factored into his flat-out refusal to give an “exit” interview to Fox news or could it possibly be that Ducky played this game…[Link]

 

Dateline:  Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe

President/King/Self-Proclaimed Semi-Divine Being Bob celebrated his 91st birthday at the colonial-era town near the famed waterfall.  While giving no indications of stepping down anytime soon, Bob and his guests (members of the ruling junta) gorged themselves on the meat of a pair of elephants that oh so willingly gave up their lives to sate Bob’s prodigious hunger.  [Where is PETA when you need them?]  After blaming the UK for all the ills of Zimbabwe’s current condition, he stated that he planned to “liberate” more white “safari owners” land.  Translating Bob-ese into English that means more land stolen from anyone who opposes his autocratic inept rule to be redistributed to his loyalists.  So anyone thinking of taking safari to Zimbabwe…Don’t.  It could be a fatal error.

 

Dateline:  Cairo, Arab Republic of Egypt

In a shocking turn of events, Judge Mohamed el-Sayed of the Court For Urgent Matters ruled that Hamas (the totally NOT corrupt and incompetent rulers of the Gaza strip) is a terrorist group, citing recent attacks on civilians and security forces in the Sinai and beyond, because they intended to harm the country (Egypt).    Although one wonders if this has anything to do with the rumors floating around that ISIS has established a presence in Gaza and Hamas fighters were flocking to the new wannabes, and that Hamas leadership were in communication and possibly negotiations with ISIS for some sort of partnership.  Egypt has already bombed ISIS targets in Libya after the mass murder of Egyptian Coptic Christian workers there.

 

Dateline:  London, England, Great Britain

In news that spits in the face of Marie Harf, deputy spokesperson for the US State Department, who stated that we need to give terrorists jobs to prevent terrorism.  Jihad Johnny/Jihad John (aka Mohammed Emwazi) was college educated (with a degree in computer science) and was not in need of job, he is in need of a bullet to the brain, a tomahawk to the torso, or a hellfire to the head.  Marie Harf who is shockingly an intelligence analyst by trade, defended her statement by claiming that her argument was too nuanced for some, or it could possibly be that her argument was just plain IDIOTIC.  Nearly all wars end when one side gets tired of dying, meaning you CAN kill your way out of a war.  Lack of jobs do not create terrorists, power-hungry assholes create terrorists.  Less I remind everyone that Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan had nearly 100% employment, and both continued to fight until we (The US, UK, USSR, and our allies) killed enough of them that they begged for peace.  Gee, you think that would work here?  Absolutely.  Germany and Japan both had a major cultural changes after the war, both of those countries are now some of the most peaceful countries on the planet.  That sounds like a good plan to me.  I would love to see, a Christian church, a Jewish synagogue, a Hindu Temple, a Buddhist Pagoda or Vihara, and a Pagan Sacred Grove in Mecca along with the Mosque there.

 

Dateline:  New York City, New York, USA

If you were wondering what the United Nations has been up to for the past couple of months while ISIS (Daesh) has been chopping heads off, burning people alive, and generally committing genocide, well so were we hence we looked into it.   The UN Security council has…as of late last evening, strongly condemned the “ongoing barbaric terrorist acts” committed by militants of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) aka ISIS or Daesh or a bunch of asshats running around killing, raping, destroying, you know crimes against humanity type things that the UN was allegedly formed to stop, and reaffirmed its determination in defeating the extremist group.  Wow!!  Can you feel the determination?  Rumors abound about ISIS contemplating surrendering to the UN.  Not really.  Good thing we pay millions of dollars for the UN to deplore ISIS’s genocide.  Bravo UN, keep up the great work.  In other news, UN chief Ban Ki-moon visited a dam in Chile.  While I generally don’t criticize the UN, mainly because I don’t pick low hanging fruit, seriously I couldn’t let this one slide by.

 

on a lighter note:

 

Dateline:  Outside a Pub, Ireland

An intellectually challenged thief met his match when he tried repeatedly to break the window on a Mercedes, until the brick he threw at the defenseless vehicle bounced off, hit him in the face, and knocked him unconscious.  If I were Mercedes marketing, I would make a commercial out of the video.

 

 

Saturday Sark (31 Jan 15)

SarkSat

The following is sarcasm.  Enjoy at your own risk.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C.

In bizarre and ultimately failed attempt at the famed Jedi mind trick, assistant to the assistant to the deputy of the secretary of the assistant deputy White House spokesman, Eric Schultz tried to convince John Karl of ABC news that the Taliban weren’t a terrorist group.  132 children would disagree, if they could.

In other news President Obama has abandoned his plan to pay for the first 2 years of community college, by taking college savings away.

 

Dateline:  Paris, France

Earlier this month, Secretary of State  John Kerry finally arrived in ‘plans’ to join the Paris Anti-Terror Rally (Charlie Hebdo) nearly a week after Attorney General Eric Holder slithered out of the City of Lights to avoid going, to say nothing of Uncle Joe, who eagerly volunteered to run to Saudi Arabia to creep on comfort anyone who would let him in the wake of the old King’s death, didn’t attend, and the President….too busy for the Valerie Jarret described ‘parade’.

 

Dateline:  Ar-Raqqah, Syria

Daesh (ISIS) have released the latest edition of their state sponsored magazine, in it, the detail the correct way to raise little terrorists, also included recipes for the loving wife.

There has been no response from ISIS to Jordan’s warning that if their pilot was killed, that Jordan would go all Black September on them.

 

Dateline:  Top Secret Base, Undisclosed Location

We have saved the best for last, Michael Moore, famed for his propaganda movies in the form of documentaries to say nothing of his magnum opus, Canadian Bacon, has decided that “we” were taught that snipers were cowards, and not wanting any Americans to be considered cowards has volunteered to replace all the snipers in the US Military with a weapon of his own design, so without further ado…

we present…

 

the Michael Francis Moore Wonder Weapon (M103A3E2)

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First you take Michael,

Michael Moore

Michael Moore

then since the military doesn’t make body armor in that size,

he strips naked, wraps himself in a camo net

Camouflage Net aka Camo Net

Camouflage Net aka Camo Net

and then he waits for the enemy to be about to attack innocent civilians or friendly forces and

he throws off the camo and charges into battle, as seen below

CAUTION THE FOLLOWING PICTURE CAN AND WILL CAUSE RETINA DAMAGE

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Please turn away, we beg you, the horror of a naked Michael Moore in full on charge is enough to break anyone.

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fine, here it is

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just click the link….if you dare….

LINK to naked Michael Moore in full charge, You have been warned, so we accept no responsibility for heart attacks, strokes, blindness, nausea, vomiting or any other ill effects caused by you looking at this picture.

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We are sorry but due to legal concerns we were forced to redact the photo of naked Michael Moore in full charge, but in the interest of your overwhelming and insatiable curiosity we give you a close facsimile.  Enjoy…

Saturday Sark [The Solstice Surrender Edition] (20 Dec 14)

SarkSat

Welcome to today’s Saturday Sark…

 

Dateline:  Hollywood (actually Culver City), California, USA:

Sony Pictures Entertainment have unconditionally surrendered to the Guardians of Peace, an enigmatic hacker group in the employ of North Korea, and cancelled the Christmas day opening of the Seth Rogan/James Franco movie, The Interview.  Using the pretext of a 9/11 type event at theaters to cancel the opening, when everyone on the planet knows that it is because the GoP promised to release a “Christmas gift”, considering the recent release that shows (the up til now unknown) hypocrisy of Hollywood, no one is surprised that Sony folded up like an origami swan.  Sony has announced that it will make a movie about “The Great Leader”, as requested by Kim Jong-un, the current self-proclaimed semi-divine being/sexiest man alive/president-for-life.  Amy Pascal has already requested an audience with alleged revered Al Sharpton, before doing the biopic, because who knows more about ‘truth’ then Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA:

Not to be out-Petain‘d by Amy Pascal, President Obama has unconditionally surrendered to walking dead caricatures Fidel and Raul Castro the only people on the planet who would accept the surrender.  The White House denied any and all rumors concerning the return of the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base to Cuba, and the transfer/release of the detainees there.

 

 Dateline:  Peshawar, Islamic Republic of Pakistan:

In another blatant example of Islamic apostate extremist ‘bravery’, the Taliban attacked a school.  The government of Pakistan was quick to point out that not one of the attackers were Pakistani, as 1 was Chechen (like the Tsarnov brothers), 2 Afghans, 1 Egyptian, 1 Moroccan, and 1 Arab of unknown nationality.  Some more ‘vital’ facts:

2 were homophobic, 2 were homosexual, and 2 were both;

2 loved women and thought every man should own a few, 2 were too scared to talk about women, 1 preferred goats;

2 had bathed in the last month, 1 in the last 6 months, 2 in the last year, and 1 didn’t know what a bath was;

and there were 9 gunmen.

 

Dateline:  Sydney, Australia:

Crazed gunman Man Haron Monis, who claimed loyalty to daesh (ISIS), before the Sydney Chocolate Cafe hostage crisis.  Vast numbers of people in Australia and around the world have surrendered to lunacy and announced quite vigorously that Monis was crazy (no shit, sherlocks) so it doesn’t count as an Islamic terrorist attack (Oh OK).  No one asked how a crazed man with a long history of legal trouble was able to get his grimy hands on a firearm in Australia were even thinking about guns is banned.

 

Dateline:  New York City, New York, USA:

Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that he was surrendering to demands to follow the example set by a certain Ivy League school‘s policy, that he would allow police officers who were traumatized by the recent protests to take paid leave up to one month, he further decreed that all workers for the City of New York could also take the paid leave, no one in City Hall was available for comment.

In related news, US military personnel take care of business every day.

 

Dateline:  Hawaii, USA:

In his ultimate surrender to date, President Obama, has fled the Oval office, and gone on vacation to his Hawaiian retreat, as he mulls his options for retirement.  Rumors abound about Chicago, Hawaii, Isla de la Juventud, New York City, San Francisco abound, and the President himself joked about retiring to Kenya just to get the goat of birthers.

Wanna-be-Sultan Recep the Aptal has offered the President a comfy estate in Constantinople, while self-proclaimed semi-divine being/King/President Bob has offered the soon to be retired President a home in Harare but only if the President can help him hunt down witches.  No comments from the First Lady.

 

The Preceding is sarcasm, if it offends you, tell a friend, show them this post, both of you should be offended equally.

Blessed Solstice,

Happy Holidays,

and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

 

and remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

 

and gifts for Dak should be in the form of vodka, silver, or blades 😀

 

seriously though, if you find yourself with a few extra coins, please remember all of the veterans out there who are suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday Sark (Thanksgiving Holiday edition 29 Nov 14)

The following is sarcasm, if the following offends you, you are completely free to leave this page…so go thank a veteran for that freedom.

 

3 Things Liberal Statists should be thankful for,

if they celebrated Thanksgiving.

 

Dateline:  Zimbabwe (aka The Kingdom of Bob):  King/President-for-life/Self Proclaimed Semi-divine being Bob (aka Robert Mugabe) had his former BFF and favorite concubine Jabulani Sibanda arrested recently, it seems that Jabulani was upset by Bob picking Bob’s wife, whether it was just to head the Woman’s League or if there was more, no one is saying but Bob is still happily clinging to power like a drowning man to a raft.

 

Dateline:  Guantanamo Bay, Cuba:  The Pentagon is preparing to ‘transfer‘ some more ‘detainees’ (peace-loving, multiculturalism-believing, feminist, gun-control advocating, vegan, moderate men of an unspecified religion).  Where these chaps are being transferred has not being released.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C.:  SecDef Chuck Hagel was not fired…Josh “Canadian Girlfriend” Earnest stated earnestly, after SecDef Hagel was fired.  So the President has purged all but one Republicans from his cabinet, that way the President can ‘hear’ all those who didn’t vote (because obviously if they had, they would have voted democrat) better.  Elections have consequences…except when they don’t

 

3 Things Lovers of Freedom should be thankful for this Thanksgiving

 

1.  The lame-duck senate has not declared President Obama President for life, King, or Czar.

 

2.  President Obama has not declared himself President for life, King, or Czar.

 

3.  Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) hasn’t had to replace President Obama.

 

and 3 thoughts…

 

1.  anyone else think that if Mike Brown’s parents had spent as much time teaching him to be a gentleman with honor as they have profiting from his death, he would still be alive.

 

2.  every year the similarities between Black Friday and the zombie apocalypse are becoming more scary.

 

3.  The IRS while completely NOT harassing tea party groups failed to catch the millions of dollars sent to prisoners who had filed fraudulent claims.  Not a smidgen of corruption, but a whole heaping pile of incompetence.

 

I hope you have had and will continue to have a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend.  Thank all of you for reading my drivel.  Be safe and come back…and

DON’T Drink and Drive

Sark Saturday (22 Nov 14)

SarkSat

 

The following is a sarcastic view on recent world events…if this offends you, please leave a comment, that may make me happy.

 

Dateline – Washington D.C.:  The Treasury Department’s Inspector General has found former IRS head Lois Lerner’s 30,000 “lost” e-mails.  The White House has instructed the IG to be on the look out for the President’s lost popularity.  Wish them luck chasing the questing beast.

The Questing Beast

The Questing Beast

Dateline – rable rousing in Ferguson, Mo: alleged reverend Al “Big Money” Sharpton owes millions in back taxes…unfortunately the IRS is too busy harassing tea party groups to look into his finances, but IRS spokesperson announced that the IRS would look into it sometime in early Frimaire CMXI, as soon as they figure at what year that is.

The Personal Wealth of Al Sharpton

Dateline – Istanbul, Ottoman Empire:  Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) was greeted by ecstatic crowds hoping to see a repeat of his Dance of the Seven Veils.  Uncle Joe also denied that he had apologized to wannabe Sultan Recep I the Aptal.  White House spokesman Josh “Canadian Girlfriend” Earnest denied Uncle Joe’s denial.

Sultan Erdogan

 

 

 

Tart Tuesday (16 Sep 14)

Be Advised the following is SARCASM.  Mostly True, but…Sarcastic.

Proceed with Caution and Intelligence.

 

— Hillary Clinton has set up her very own Ministry of Propaganda…Correct the Record.  A waste of money IF she isn’t running for President in 2016.

 

— President Obama recently advised ISIS, Kindergarten teachers around the country collectively face-palmed.

 

— Senator Kirsten Gillibrand alleged in her recent book, that she was sexually harassed by fellow politicians, but then refused to name names.  Bill Clinton and Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) breathed a sigh of relief picked up by the Mars lander.

 

— Josh Earnest recently stated “Well, when we are in a position to be more specific about the commitments that we’ve received from our allies and other interested regional governments, then we will do that.”  Josh continued and I did actually have a girlfriend in high school, she lived in Canada.  I’m just saying.  Mrs. Earnest declined to comment, but did laugh hysterically.

 

— Secretary of State John Kerry was stunned to find out that after his Dance of the Seven Veils, that wanna be Sultan Recep Tayyip Erdogan still declined to help fight his BFF, ISIS.  Secretary Kerry was heard saying I showed him my best moves.

 

Tuesday Thoughts (6 May 14)

Thoughtful Wolf

Thoughtful Wolf

 

Here are a few thoughts I have going on…

 

— Clive Bundy (the rancher who was and continues to be the victim of Federal Government bullying) has shown an amazing level of ignorance with his comments about the “negro”, failing to realize and/or care that many of his supporters are/were Americans who are of African descent.  I pray that something will touch his heart, and he will not just not say hurtful untrue things but will actually become enlightened, and not paint an entire ethnic group with such a broad brush of ignorance and hate.

 

—  The entire Donald Sterling debacle, besides being stomach turning that a person who holds such disgusting views has no problems exploiting (albeit well paid exploitation) the talents of his black players.  As a side note, while Sterling was a recently registered Republican, as they say money talks and BS walks, his political contributions have been decidedly left-wing.

 

— In keeping with the Donald Sterling thought, Vanessa Stivano, if a guy buys you 2 Bentleys, a Ferrari, and a $1.8 million condo, and you call yourself his silly rabbit, you are NOT his assistant, you are his mistress.

 

— Jay Carney has become the President’s very own ‘Baghdad Bob’, first it was “bending the truth”, then “twisting the truth”, then flat-out lying, and now…reality has left the building.  I hope they are throwing piles of cash at you, Jay, because you would have more credibility if you sold your ass for crack on the street corner then you do now.

 

— In Nigeria, Boko Haram (led by Abubakar Shekau) kidnapped 276 girls from a school, and is now threatening to sell them as slave wives to other Islamic extremists.  I’ll pray for the safe return of all these girls to their families, and hope that Abubakar’s last thought is “Oh shit, that Predator just launched a Hellfire“.

 

I apologize for my recent absence, I have been feeling under the weather of late.  More fun stuff to come, so come back soon.

Trenchant Tuesday (22 Apr 14)

hungry-wolf

Dateline — Moscow, Russia

 

President Vladimir Putin, has decided to crown himself Emperor of All the Russias.  Kremlin spokesman stated the date for the coronation has not been set, but will be soon and to expect the full regalia.

Coronation

 

— President Obama has stated he cannot make as he is scheduled for the back 9 on that date.

obama-golf

— Vice President Biden’s spokesman said that Uncle Joe will be sent to some third world hell hole, because, “well Biden says enough dumb things with out unlimited vodka, we would be insane to let him go to Moscow”.

joe-biden

— National Security Adviser Susan Rice, stated that she is pretty sure she seen it on a YouTube video.

 

— former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, has stated that after coming under sniper attack on her last visit to Moscow, she feels like…”What difference does it make? and NO, Bill won’t be attending, to many hot Russian women.”

 

— Secretary of State John Kerry is heading to Constantinople to reassure the Ottoman Sultan, that the revived Russian Empire is of no threat, as soon as he finds an airline heading that way.

 

—  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, has stated he is too busy hunting ‘domestic terrorists’, saying after donning his Emperor robes, “Soon the rebel alliance will be crushed.”

EmpReid

— On the upside, Russian language teachers are in high demand from Helsinki to Warsaw to Istanbul to Tbilisi, and beyond.  So time to break out the books…

russian

 

 

Tart Tuesday (25 Feb 14)

(Be Advised the following is completely fictional and sarcastic)

uncle-sam-you-must-obey

WANTED:  unmotivated, lazy, corrupt, incompetent people who want undeserved power and way to much pay.

WHY:  The Federal Government needs people with low morals to circumvent law and common sense.

WHAT:  The Government needs obedient no-nothings to do their bidding, like denying veteran’s applications for benefits, over-investigating political opponents, and of course, ignoring blatant violations of law and people’s civil rights.

If you think, you have an incompetent bully inside of you, WE want You, because this level of fraud, waste, and abuse is not possible without petty, depraved, inept, and completely unthinking bureaucrats to do all of our bidding.  Be advised, you will be tested to assure that you have the proper level of ‘training’ to be a good progressive, unionized, federal employee.

Please call (800) 267-7878 or 386-2277, you can also try our website,  http://www.apparatchikwanted.gov

*Tea Party members, lovers of freedom, and anyone with morals and/or common sense need not apply.