the Taliban

Saturday Sark [The Solstice Surrender Edition] (20 Dec 14)

SarkSat

Welcome to today’s Saturday Sark…

 

Dateline:  Hollywood (actually Culver City), California, USA:

Sony Pictures Entertainment have unconditionally surrendered to the Guardians of Peace, an enigmatic hacker group in the employ of North Korea, and cancelled the Christmas day opening of the Seth Rogan/James Franco movie, The Interview.  Using the pretext of a 9/11 type event at theaters to cancel the opening, when everyone on the planet knows that it is because the GoP promised to release a “Christmas gift”, considering the recent release that shows (the up til now unknown) hypocrisy of Hollywood, no one is surprised that Sony folded up like an origami swan.  Sony has announced that it will make a movie about “The Great Leader”, as requested by Kim Jong-un, the current self-proclaimed semi-divine being/sexiest man alive/president-for-life.  Amy Pascal has already requested an audience with alleged revered Al Sharpton, before doing the biopic, because who knows more about ‘truth’ then Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA:

Not to be out-Petain‘d by Amy Pascal, President Obama has unconditionally surrendered to walking dead caricatures Fidel and Raul Castro the only people on the planet who would accept the surrender.  The White House denied any and all rumors concerning the return of the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base to Cuba, and the transfer/release of the detainees there.

 

 Dateline:  Peshawar, Islamic Republic of Pakistan:

In another blatant example of Islamic apostate extremist ‘bravery’, the Taliban attacked a school.  The government of Pakistan was quick to point out that not one of the attackers were Pakistani, as 1 was Chechen (like the Tsarnov brothers), 2 Afghans, 1 Egyptian, 1 Moroccan, and 1 Arab of unknown nationality.  Some more ‘vital’ facts:

2 were homophobic, 2 were homosexual, and 2 were both;

2 loved women and thought every man should own a few, 2 were too scared to talk about women, 1 preferred goats;

2 had bathed in the last month, 1 in the last 6 months, 2 in the last year, and 1 didn’t know what a bath was;

and there were 9 gunmen.

 

Dateline:  Sydney, Australia:

Crazed gunman Man Haron Monis, who claimed loyalty to daesh (ISIS), before the Sydney Chocolate Cafe hostage crisis.  Vast numbers of people in Australia and around the world have surrendered to lunacy and announced quite vigorously that Monis was crazy (no shit, sherlocks) so it doesn’t count as an Islamic terrorist attack (Oh OK).  No one asked how a crazed man with a long history of legal trouble was able to get his grimy hands on a firearm in Australia were even thinking about guns is banned.

 

Dateline:  New York City, New York, USA:

Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that he was surrendering to demands to follow the example set by a certain Ivy League school‘s policy, that he would allow police officers who were traumatized by the recent protests to take paid leave up to one month, he further decreed that all workers for the City of New York could also take the paid leave, no one in City Hall was available for comment.

In related news, US military personnel take care of business every day.

 

Dateline:  Hawaii, USA:

In his ultimate surrender to date, President Obama, has fled the Oval office, and gone on vacation to his Hawaiian retreat, as he mulls his options for retirement.  Rumors abound about Chicago, Hawaii, Isla de la Juventud, New York City, San Francisco abound, and the President himself joked about retiring to Kenya just to get the goat of birthers.

Wanna-be-Sultan Recep the Aptal has offered the President a comfy estate in Constantinople, while self-proclaimed semi-divine being/King/President Bob has offered the soon to be retired President a home in Harare but only if the President can help him hunt down witches.  No comments from the First Lady.

 

The Preceding is sarcasm, if it offends you, tell a friend, show them this post, both of you should be offended equally.

Blessed Solstice,

Happy Holidays,

and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

 

and remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

 

and gifts for Dak should be in the form of vodka, silver, or blades 😀

 

seriously though, if you find yourself with a few extra coins, please remember all of the veterans out there who are suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday Sark (13 Dec 14)

The following is sarcasm…

if you don’t like it, feel free to leave a comment I can always do with a good laugh

if it just sucks or is not funny leave a comment I can’t get better without input

if you do like it feel free to comment or give a like, maybe even a reblog

if you just don’t want to do any of the thing well…I hope you enjoy it anyway.  😀

 

Dateline:  Central, South Carolina, USA: A landlord (we will call him Chuck) has followed in the footsteps of some of the most ‘illustrious’ KGB/NKVD agents throughout history with his complete and utter refusal to allow Sgt. William Bolt to stay with his wife and new-born child over the Christmas holidays.  Great job, Chuck, no need to look up the phrase “exception to policy”  Feel free to send you displeasure to…The Groves.

 

Dateline:  Nazca, Peru:  In some sort of ‘brilliant’ attempt to garner sympathy amidst the socialist haven that is the UN Lima Climate Change Conference, Greenpeace damaged the famed hummingbird Nazca line with an ignorant sign.  Great job Greenpeace, no sense in NOT imitating the Taliban.

 

Dateline:  South Carolina, USA:  Hundreds of children rioted today throughout the state after news that Ebony Wilkerson was found not guilty of 3 counts of attempted murder after attempting to drown her 3 children (assuming you don’t count the one in her belly) by driving in to the ocean.

 

Dateline:  Jerusalem, Israel:  In another example of Palestinian religion of Peace, a terrorist threw acid on 4 little girls, before attacking their father with a screwdriver and then ran away.  Luckily he was shot by an armed fellow driver and now is being treated for his superficial wounds.

 

Dateline:  Washington, D.C, USA:  alleged Indian princess, and Obama rebel Elizabeth Warren has cough started cough a rebellion against the status quo in congress by telling her congressional sympathizers to not vote for the $1.1 trillion dollar budget deal.  So far her calls have fallen flat as the bill passed the House and looks to pass the senate, perhaps it is because it is such a far cry from last years remarks from against Ted Cruz for doing…the exact same thing.  Hat tip to Mississippi Conservative Daily and of course the beautiful and brilliant Megyn Kelly.

 

Dateline:  Beijing, People’s Republic of China:  Seemingly forgetting the Great Leap Forward and all of the other millions of Chinese people killed by torture, neglect, and outright murder, or at least assuming no one remembers or has the gall to say something, the Chinese recently blasted the US for the so-called ‘torture report’ issued by congressional democrats.  While it is good to know that China opposes the US using enhanced interrogation methods against douche-bags who rape, murder, and torture people while at the same time raping, murdering, and torturing supporters of freedom from Hong Kong to Tibet.

 

If this offends you…well…you know what to do…