Entertainment

Saturday Sark [The Solstice Surrender Edition] (20 Dec 14)

SarkSat

Welcome to today’s Saturday Sark…

 

Dateline:  Hollywood (actually Culver City), California, USA:

Sony Pictures Entertainment have unconditionally surrendered to the Guardians of Peace, an enigmatic hacker group in the employ of North Korea, and cancelled the Christmas day opening of the Seth Rogan/James Franco movie, The Interview.  Using the pretext of a 9/11 type event at theaters to cancel the opening, when everyone on the planet knows that it is because the GoP promised to release a “Christmas gift”, considering the recent release that shows (the up til now unknown) hypocrisy of Hollywood, no one is surprised that Sony folded up like an origami swan.  Sony has announced that it will make a movie about “The Great Leader”, as requested by Kim Jong-un, the current self-proclaimed semi-divine being/sexiest man alive/president-for-life.  Amy Pascal has already requested an audience with alleged revered Al Sharpton, before doing the biopic, because who knows more about ‘truth’ then Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA:

Not to be out-Petain‘d by Amy Pascal, President Obama has unconditionally surrendered to walking dead caricatures Fidel and Raul Castro the only people on the planet who would accept the surrender.  The White House denied any and all rumors concerning the return of the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base to Cuba, and the transfer/release of the detainees there.

 

 Dateline:  Peshawar, Islamic Republic of Pakistan:

In another blatant example of Islamic apostate extremist ‘bravery’, the Taliban attacked a school.  The government of Pakistan was quick to point out that not one of the attackers were Pakistani, as 1 was Chechen (like the Tsarnov brothers), 2 Afghans, 1 Egyptian, 1 Moroccan, and 1 Arab of unknown nationality.  Some more ‘vital’ facts:

2 were homophobic, 2 were homosexual, and 2 were both;

2 loved women and thought every man should own a few, 2 were too scared to talk about women, 1 preferred goats;

2 had bathed in the last month, 1 in the last 6 months, 2 in the last year, and 1 didn’t know what a bath was;

and there were 9 gunmen.

 

Dateline:  Sydney, Australia:

Crazed gunman Man Haron Monis, who claimed loyalty to daesh (ISIS), before the Sydney Chocolate Cafe hostage crisis.  Vast numbers of people in Australia and around the world have surrendered to lunacy and announced quite vigorously that Monis was crazy (no shit, sherlocks) so it doesn’t count as an Islamic terrorist attack (Oh OK).  No one asked how a crazed man with a long history of legal trouble was able to get his grimy hands on a firearm in Australia were even thinking about guns is banned.

 

Dateline:  New York City, New York, USA:

Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that he was surrendering to demands to follow the example set by a certain Ivy League school‘s policy, that he would allow police officers who were traumatized by the recent protests to take paid leave up to one month, he further decreed that all workers for the City of New York could also take the paid leave, no one in City Hall was available for comment.

In related news, US military personnel take care of business every day.

 

Dateline:  Hawaii, USA:

In his ultimate surrender to date, President Obama, has fled the Oval office, and gone on vacation to his Hawaiian retreat, as he mulls his options for retirement.  Rumors abound about Chicago, Hawaii, Isla de la Juventud, New York City, San Francisco abound, and the President himself joked about retiring to Kenya just to get the goat of birthers.

Wanna-be-Sultan Recep the Aptal has offered the President a comfy estate in Constantinople, while self-proclaimed semi-divine being/King/President Bob has offered the soon to be retired President a home in Harare but only if the President can help him hunt down witches.  No comments from the First Lady.

 

The Preceding is sarcasm, if it offends you, tell a friend, show them this post, both of you should be offended equally.

Blessed Solstice,

Happy Holidays,

and MERRY CHRISTMAS.

 

and remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

 

and gifts for Dak should be in the form of vodka, silver, or blades 😀

 

seriously though, if you find yourself with a few extra coins, please remember all of the veterans out there who are suffering.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tart Tuesday, The Gruber Feinstein Edition (9 Dec 14)

The following is sarcasm…

 

Dateline:  Cambridge, Ma, USA:  MIT announced today that Professor Jonathon Gruber will be leaving the Economic Department to head the newly formed Department of Economic Deception Policy, joining him will Kathleen Sebelius (former Secretary of Health and Human Services).  Senator Feinstein asked who Gruber and Sebelius are.

 

Dateline:  Harare, Zimbabwe(aka the Republic of Bob):  President/King/Self-proclaimed Semi-divine being Bob has fired Vice President Joice Mujuru and 8 cabinet members today, calling her “a witch”.  Bob then offered Professor Gruber a job as head of the office of economic propaganda for an amazing salary of Z$1 million per week.  The good professor politely declined after realizing that Zimbabwe abandoned the Zimbabwe dollar half a decade ago.  Senator Diane Feinstein has offered to take over as Vice President.  Bob wisely declined.  Bob furthered decreed that the infamous Malleus Maleficarum be reprinted and used as a guide to root out any other witches in Zimbabwe.

 

Dateline:  Moscow, Russian Federation:  Former professional amateur spy Anna Chapman has withdrawn her proposal to NSA leak Edward Snowden and thrown her love at venerable Senator Dianne Feinstein, stating simply “I love Dianne’s dedication to exposing those people who sent me back to this $#!!hole…er…I mean my beautiful homeland.  I just want to be famous and rich American like Kim Kardashian”.  Professor Gruden refused to comment and said talk to his counsel.  Senator Feinstein commented, Who is Anna Chapman?

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C.:  White House spokesman Josh “Canadian Girlfriend” Earnest, has denied any reports that the administration is conducting a “scorched earth” policy against the incoming Republican controlled congress and by default all of America, rather he termed it a “well toasted soil” policy.  Professor Gruber said speak to his counsel and Senator Feinstein cackled loudly.  Bob got the heebeegeebees from that btw.

 

Dateline:  Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran:  The unnamed pilot who flew an American made (made prior to 1968) F-4 D/E in an air strike on ISIL targets in Iraq was awarded, the Iranian Military Order of Merit, kinda, it was the Military Order of Merit, but had a duck-taped picture of some old guy on the Pahlevi crown.  Professor Gruber asked how much it was worth, and Senator Feinstein asked who Iran was.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA:  The meeting between Vice President Joe Biden (Uncle Joe) and Prince William (Duke of Cambridge) ended early when Uncle Joe kept asking the Prince to sing “Little Red Corvette“.  Professor Gruber stated his favorite was “Diamonds and Pearls” and Senator Feinstein asked who Prince is and who Joe Biden is.

 

The above is a mix of hard truths, tarty sarcasm, and complete and total fabrications.  If this offends you, please leave a comment below, I enjoy a good laugh.

Tart Tuesday (16 Sep 14)

Be Advised the following is SARCASM.  Mostly True, but…Sarcastic.

Proceed with Caution and Intelligence.

 

— Hillary Clinton has set up her very own Ministry of Propaganda…Correct the Record.  A waste of money IF she isn’t running for President in 2016.

 

— President Obama recently advised ISIS, Kindergarten teachers around the country collectively face-palmed.

 

— Senator Kirsten Gillibrand alleged in her recent book, that she was sexually harassed by fellow politicians, but then refused to name names.  Bill Clinton and Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) breathed a sigh of relief picked up by the Mars lander.

 

— Josh Earnest recently stated “Well, when we are in a position to be more specific about the commitments that we’ve received from our allies and other interested regional governments, then we will do that.”  Josh continued and I did actually have a girlfriend in high school, she lived in Canada.  I’m just saying.  Mrs. Earnest declined to comment, but did laugh hysterically.

 

— Secretary of State John Kerry was stunned to find out that after his Dance of the Seven Veils, that wanna be Sultan Recep Tayyip Erdogan still declined to help fight his BFF, ISIS.  Secretary Kerry was heard saying I showed him my best moves.

 

Monday Morning QBing (3 Feb 14)

Monday Morning QBing

Monday Morning QBing

 

— Congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks on their Super Bowl victory over the heavily favored Denver Broncos.  [final score 43-8]

 

— The twitter-verse racist trolls were outraged over the Coca Cola advert that featured the song America the Beautiful in several languages.

A couple of things for the ignorant

1) America the Beautiful is not our National Anthem. Not knowing this pretty much invalidates any argument you have about the commercial.  [Knowledge is Power]

2)  Just because something is labelled (or mis-labelled) as multicultural doesn’t mean it is automatically bad or good. [That is prejudice.  DUH!]

3.) White, English speakers are not the source of all evil in the world, nor are they the source of all good.  Every race, culture, ethnicity, have done very nasty things, and every one has done glorious, beautiful things.  [Educate Yourself.]

 

— Bill O’Reilly interviewed the President with part showing before the Super Bowl and the rest airing tonight on Bill O’Reilly’s show on FNC.  It won’t be the typical hero-worship crap the President gets when he does “The View”, MSNBC, or Katie Couric, but don’t expect an overly aggressive interview either.  Expect no novel information from the President, as he will dance around the answers, in what appears much like an elephant doing ballet, amazing but completely ineffective, oddly no one ever calls him out on it, so it will end up being an exercise in not throwing the closest heavy object at the TV screen.

So watch at your (and your flat screens’) own risk.

 

On that note, some Nat King Cole

Mordant Monday Morning (14 Oct 13)

Mordant Monday

Mordant Monday

 

Congratulations to the Nobel Peace Prize selection committee on selecting a bureaucratic organization associated with the United Nations for the Nobel Peace Prize.  I mean really, why would you select a young girl whose completely unreasonable stand on female education got her shot in the face at close range by Islamic extremist terrorists and recovered to become a symbol around the world for bravery.  That is just silly.

 

Kudos to President Obama for his attempts at making the US Government shut down as painful as possible for those picayune veterans who wanted to see the Memorial paid for by private funds dedicated to their brothers and sisters in arms who died protecting this country.  Open air memorials are not to be enjoyed by the public unless the government says so.  If the shutdown continues the President has already said he will refuse to pay the veterans (even the disabled veterans) that will show them for trying to defend the Constitution from all enemies foreign and domestic.  And how humiliating to the President to see all of those barricades piled up in front of the White House.  For Shame, naughty people displaying your displeasure with Barry.

 

The US Congress has issued a press release attempting to clear up some common misconceptions,

1.)  Boehner is NOT a french name.

2.)  Tomahawks are not Cruz missiles, they are close though.

3.)  Harry Reid did not play the Emperor in Star Wars.

4.)  Neither did Nancy Pelosi.

5.)  There is NO IQ test for membership in Congress.

 

 

 

I hope I put a smile on your face and in your heart for your week at work (unless you are a furloughed government worker in which case for your week at home, Do your Honey Do List, people).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saturday Sark (21 Sep 13)

Sark Saturday

Sark Saturday

 

News from around the world

 

dateline:  St. Petersburg, Russian Federation.

President Vladimir Putin has announced that since he is more popular than US President Barrack Obama in America and since he actually did something to earn a Nobel Peace Prize, he was going to replace the American president, take his Nobel peace prize and his dog Bo, although President Putin did say he would let now former President Obama keep his wife, Michelle (this of course started tongues-a-wagging).

 

dateline:  Damascus, Syrian Arab Republic.

Syrian President Assad, has agreed to sell the US all of his dirty underwear in addition to his chemical weapons, total price a measly $1 billion.

 

dateline:  Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

North Korean Supreme Leader (and self proclaimed hottest dude in the world, eat it, Justin Bieber) Kim Jong-un, has placed his ‘nukes’ on e-bay.  [current price:  $1.43]

 

dateline:  Harare, Republic of Zimbabwe (aka Republic of Bob).

President/King/Emperor Robert ‘Bob’ Mugabe has placed the entire country on craigslist.  [listed price:  $250 obo]  Bob is hoping a white Brit will buy it so he can complain about British Imperialism some more.

 

dateline:  Washington D.C., United States of America (aka Obamaland).

President Obama has retired to play golf and give speeches about how good of a president he was, since Vladimir Putin has taken over for him.  Vice President Joe Biden still thinks he is VP, Dmitry Medvedev has not had the heart to break the news to him, yet.

 

 

**all of the above is nonfactual and completely made up, except for the stuff about Assad’s panties and Bob.**

 

Monday Morning Quarterbacking (22 Jul 13)

Since the Dallas Cowboys have started training camp yesterday, I figured we would take a quick look at the positions.

 

QB:  No camp battles here, Romo is one of the best, Orton is a solid quarterback who could be starting on half the teams in the NFL, everyone else is just a body, right now, but maybe something will stick out in camp.

RB:  Murray is a stud, expect great things from him this year, backups are fighting for their spot, so expect them to either hang up their cleats or come out with some impressive displays.

TE:  Witten is a sure thing, behind him is Escobar who looks like a TE but runs and catches like a WR, behind him Hanna is a clone, but smaller and less talented.  Rosario adds a blocking TE to the mix.

WR:  Bryant is everything you want from a franchise WR except mature, and that is improving, Austin needs to bounce back from his sub-standard performances, the 3rd WR is officially open but expect Terrence Williams to win, the fourth and possibly fifth slots will have to not only catch but show something on special teams to stick.

OL:  Coming off last years frightening performance, this unit is looking to improve, drafting Fredrick was a good move, but without any other major pickups it looks like the big boys are going to have to dig deep and live up to expectations.  Smith has been a solid LT, but the rest of the line is up for grabs, expect Fredrick to win a starting job at Center or some say Guard, I think that depends on how well everyone else does.  Costa is reportedly looking good, so, maybe this line will be dominant or at least not dominated.

OFFENSE:  While last years offense looked good at times, the line was weak, the run game anemic, and overall inconsistent.  This year, expect the passing game to hum along nicely, with a vastly improved running game, and more balance then you have seen in the big D in years.

DL:  With Spencer and Ware at ends, the line is going to be good, how good depends on if the DT Ratliff can overcome injuries and distractions to dominate or if some of the quality guys at DT can come in and take pressure off the ends and push the pocket enough to help out.

LB:  This is one of the best crews the Cowboys have fielded in a long time, expect these studs in on a ton of plays, Carter and Lee are fast, smart, and good tacklers, Durant wins the other OLB spot will have a significantly easier time of it, making this easily the best unit on the Cowboys, especially with Sims as the prime backup.

CB:  Carr, Claiborne, and Scandrick give the Cowboys one of the best CB threesomes in the league all are young and heading into their prime, expect great things from these guys.  There are some interesting prospects to give a gander too, as well, Webb and Moore spring to mind.

S:  Rumor has it that Church has all but tied up one side, while Allen has the lead over Wilcox, McCray and the rest battle for the other side, but this unit is about as up in the air as it can be, that being said, I do expect big things from these guys, all of them are quality players in need of some seasoning.

DEFENSE:  While a few questions do remain, expect a vast improvement in the Cowboys D, especially sacks and turnovers.

Kicker/Punter:  Bailey and Jones are pretty secure in their jobs and both have done a good job.  Unless a camp body blows the coaching staff away, don’t expect a change.

SPECIAL TEAMS:  Expect solid if not spectacular performances from the Special Teams.  L.P. Ladouceur is as steady as they come for long snappers.

Opponents:  RG3 makes the Redskins a threat all of the time, the Giants have institutionalized good solid play, and Eli is no slouch, while everyone realizes that Vick isn’t that great, he can still take over a game, occasionally, making the Eagles a bigger threat then they appear on paper.

OVERALL:  With some new coaches in the mix, a few new guys, and the maturing of some of the younger guys, things are looking up in Dallas, if I was to make an extremely early prediction, I would say 10-6, and a wild card berth.

 

Now I’m no football expert, but these are my thoughts on the Cowboys, very early this year.

Friday Freakout (5 Jul 13)

FridayFreakout

 

Before we begin our weekly freakout, I want to send a congratulations out to the Egyptian military, you have honored your oath to the Egyptian people by ousting an undemocratic megalomaniac.  (on a related note, Türk Kara Kuvvetleri [Turkish Army], I hope you were paying attention and yes that is a hint).

 

I am rather disappointed in the sheer audacity of President Obama, I get it, all politicians lie, and most are quite accomplished liars, but this guy….If he says I would never poke you in the eye, you best get safety glasses on, because guaranteed he is going to stick his finger in your eye, probably both eyes.

 

You remember when during the 2008 campaign how he promised to have the most open and transparent administration in history.  A tall order to be sure, and to be honest, not one we really expected, but this admin, wow, we are talking some Soviet style secrecy, but…should we really be surprised when a guy who has no command experience becomes the commander in chief, bad things are going to happen.  Community organizing is no replacement for being an actual leader.

 

You remember how this Administration said the whole world would love us?  A change of our attitude, would bear the fruits of world love.  yeah, that ain’t happening.  Most people expect those with power to use their power, with the US, we should be using that power for good, not wringing our hands, and asking like some school boy asking a girl to prom.  I think he should be as ruthless with our enemies as he is with those who oppose him inside of America.

 

 

This administration has numerous times stated their support of the so called ‘Arab Spring’, but I guess you got one shot to get it correct because the administration was quite upset that the Egyptian military ousted the petty dictator, who grabbed power.  I am assuming that there are scared if that coup is a premonition of events in Turkey, or even closer to home.

 

 

I hope you have a good weekend, please be safe, and come back soon.   By the way if you are bored, and always wanted to know what it was like to command a tank in world war 2, check out World of Tanks, an awesome game.  Tons of fun, and if you see someone named dakwolf, say ‘Hi’.

 

Tuesday Randomness

the-last-of-us-wallpaper-4

 

If you enjoy the occasional video game, here is a couple to check out….

The Last of Us, if you like zombie apocalypse games, this one is for you, while I don’t particularly like the interface, the acting and storyline are superb, believe it or not, it is actually fun to watch someone else to play.  Be advised, it is graphic and has lots of swearing.

 

Civilization V, I know an older game but a new DLC [Brave New World] just came out in March, and this game is highly addictive, and quite enjoyable.

 

State of Decay, an open world zombie apocalypse game, what more need be said?  Hours of time to waste exploring, building, whatever, so if you have time to kill…

 

 

 

 

Entire Government Resigns, No One Notices

The news that the entire US Government resigned 2 months ago has finally reached the public.  The reaction was noticeable subdued.  When asked about it, Jodi Falschung, said “They quit?  All of them?”  he then rambled on about some conspiracy between a certain large fast food chain and the price of low-grade weed, we really didn’t understand it, nor pay much attention, as we were watching all the unique characters coming and going from Wally’s world.

Needless to say, before departing their official duties, congress voted themselves a really awesome retirement package, with Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Reince Priebus agreeing that they should have a retirement plan that the common people would be proud to give to the retiring Congressmen.

President Obama, took Air Force 1 with him as a keepsake.

While Joe Biden shrugged his shoulders and stated, “Why should I retire, I haven’t worked in 40 years, besides, I’m the President.”  We didn’t have the heart to tell him, that President Obama signed an executive order expressly forbidding the former VP from holding any official office, ever.

Vermont governor Peter Shumlin, has declared that Vermont is now an independent country, named The Real Green Land, with the national anthem, Bein’ Green.

California governor, Jerry Brown, has stated he will form a committee from the California legislature to decide what steps to take, a preliminary statement is expected from the committee some time early in the 24th century.

There was more stuff going on, but after talking to Jodi, we felt a bit light-headed and hungry, so we hit the local What-a-Burger, and decided to play Skyrim while drinking a refreshing cool Nuka-Cola.

Be Advised all of the above is sarcasm and un-truths, well except the thing about Biden, we are pretty sure that is an actual executive order.

HAPPY APRIL FOOL’S DAY!!