The following is sarcasm, while our intent is not to irritate, aggravate, humiliate, or any other …ate, we can not deny that we don’t have a problem with those things. So if you are irritated, aggravated, humiliated, or any other …ated, please leave a quick note, that way we can cachinnate.
Dateline: Washington D.C., USA
Soon to be retiring Attorney General Eric “The Duck” Holder has blamed Fox news for Americans (and I am assuming Britons, Australians, French, Israelis, Syrians, Jordanians, Iraqis, Afghans, Indians, Pakistanis, Canadians, Belgians, Danes, Russians etc) for thinking that terrorism is a threat. I am not sure if that factored into his flat-out refusal to give an “exit” interview to Fox news or could it possibly be that Ducky played this game…[Link]
Dateline: Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe
President/King/Self-Proclaimed Semi-Divine Being Bob celebrated his 91st birthday at the colonial-era town near the famed waterfall. While giving no indications of stepping down anytime soon, Bob and his guests (members of the ruling junta) gorged themselves on the meat of a pair of elephants that oh so willingly gave up their lives to sate Bob’s prodigious hunger. [Where is PETA when you need them?] After blaming the UK for all the ills of Zimbabwe’s current condition, he stated that he planned to “liberate” more white “safari owners” land. Translating Bob-ese into English that means more land stolen from anyone who opposes his autocratic inept rule to be redistributed to his loyalists. So anyone thinking of taking safari to Zimbabwe…Don’t. It could be a fatal error.
Dateline: Cairo, Arab Republic of Egypt
In a shocking turn of events, Judge Mohamed el-Sayed of the Court For Urgent Matters ruled that Hamas (the totally NOT corrupt and incompetent rulers of the Gaza strip) is a terrorist group, citing recent attacks on civilians and security forces in the Sinai and beyond, because they intended to harm the country (Egypt). Although one wonders if this has anything to do with the rumors floating around that ISIS has established a presence in Gaza and Hamas fighters were flocking to the new wannabes, and that Hamas leadership were in communication and possibly negotiations with ISIS for some sort of partnership. Egypt has already bombed ISIS targets in Libya after the mass murder of Egyptian Coptic Christian workers there.
Dateline: London, England, Great Britain
In news that spits in the face of Marie Harf, deputy spokesperson for the US State Department, who stated that we need to give terrorists jobs to prevent terrorism. Jihad Johnny/Jihad John (aka Mohammed Emwazi) was college educated (with a degree in computer science) and was not in need of job, he is in need of a bullet to the brain, a tomahawk to the torso, or a hellfire to the head. Marie Harf who is shockingly an intelligence analyst by trade, defended her statement by claiming that her argument was too nuanced for some, or it could possibly be that her argument was just plain IDIOTIC. Nearly all wars end when one side gets tired of dying, meaning you CAN kill your way out of a war. Lack of jobs do not create terrorists, power-hungry assholes create terrorists. Less I remind everyone that Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan had nearly 100% employment, and both continued to fight until we (The US, UK, USSR, and our allies) killed enough of them that they begged for peace. Gee, you think that would work here? Absolutely. Germany and Japan both had a major cultural changes after the war, both of those countries are now some of the most peaceful countries on the planet. That sounds like a good plan to me. I would love to see, a Christian church, a Jewish synagogue, a Hindu Temple, a Buddhist Pagoda or Vihara, and a Pagan Sacred Grove in Mecca along with the Mosque there.
Dateline: New York City, New York, USA
If you were wondering what the United Nations has been up to for the past couple of months while ISIS (Daesh) has been chopping heads off, burning people alive, and generally committing genocide, well so were we hence we looked into it. The UN Security council has…as of late last evening, strongly condemned the “ongoing barbaric terrorist acts” committed by militants of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) aka ISIS or Daesh or a bunch of asshats running around killing, raping, destroying, you know crimes against humanity type things that the UN was allegedly formed to stop, and reaffirmed its determination in defeating the extremist group. Wow!! Can you feel the determination? Rumors abound about ISIS contemplating surrendering to the UN. Not really. Good thing we pay millions of dollars for the UN to deplore ISIS’s genocide. Bravo UN, keep up the great work. In other news, UN chief Ban Ki-moon visited a dam in Chile. While I generally don’t criticize the UN, mainly because I don’t pick low hanging fruit, seriously I couldn’t let this one slide by.
on a lighter note:
Dateline: Outside a Pub, Ireland
An intellectually challenged thief met his match when he tried repeatedly to break the window on a Mercedes, until the brick he threw at the defenseless vehicle bounced off, hit him in the face, and knocked him unconscious. If I were Mercedes marketing, I would make a commercial out of the video.
The following is sarcasm, if you are intellectually challenged, proceed with caution, if you are easily offended, frequently confused, of an inhibitor of cheap artificial grape-flavored children’s drink, you may wish to flee immediately, the following will surely cause your eyes to pop from your skull, your ears to bleed, and your heart to play The Ballroom Blitz. You have been warned.
Dateline: Washington D.C.
At the National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama gave Islam a sharp back-handed compliment (some say it was so good, even he didn’t realize it).
“Humanity has been grappling with these questions throughout human history, and lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ. In our home country, slavery and Jim Crow all too often was justified in the name of Christ.”
Did you see what he did there?
First he referenced the Crusades, which as we all know were the Christian response to Islam conquering Christian lands around the middle east, from Egypt in the South up to what is now Turkey in the North, very smooth, Mr. President; but wait there is more…
the inquisition, a suave reference to a particular episode in the Catholic church’s history that had part of its cause when people were concerned that Muslim converts to Christianity (Moriscos) were supplying Muslim pirates, the Corsairs sailing out of North Africa with the full support of the Caliphate in the form of the Ottoman Empire, information to raid coastal regions of Spain to abduct locals for the slave market; but wait,
there is even more by referencing slavery in the west, he subtly points to the fact that it was Muslim traders with whom the first European traders purchased black Africans as slaves to be shipped to the Americas, and the fact that Muslim traders were instrumental in ensuring a continuous supply of Christian and Pagan black Africans to be shipped off to the Americas as slaves…Bam…painfully slick, like a greased pig, but even then it didn’t stop, Oh no, the President had one more to go, yes he did,
his reference to Jim Crow, a straight up poke in the eye,
Jim Crow…was the name of a lessor known character played by the the world famous caricature actor Sebastian Woodly, Mr. Woodly who would later travel to the middle east where he met and fell in love with a young goat herder, converted to Islam, and then retired to Baltimore, County Cork, Ireland, much to the chagrin of the locals as Mr. Woodley would often chase the livestock about, some say in heartbreak, others say in hunger, and even others say he was just a dodgey old codger.
But I digress,
that last one aside,
it was a pretty smooth set of digs at Muslims and every one true
(again not the last one, to head off any controversy as far as we know there has never been an actor named Sebastian Woodly who did all those things, and any confusion is completely and totally because you missed the part above that said this was sarcasm),
we can only stand back and watch in shock and awe.
Dateline: Amman, Jordan
Warrior King Abdullah II of Jordan has issued a personal challenge to mortal combat between himself and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to settle their differences, while we here at Dak’s Bays prefer a cage match with sharpened rusted spoons, one can assume the good King Abdullah who commanded Jordan’s elite special forces could mop the floor with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi whose primary skills include planning world conquest, petting white cats, and indulging his goat fur-lined combat boots fetish. While it does seem unlikely that Abu Bakr will accept the King’s offer, the good King plans to attempt to use the Royal Jordanian Air Force to bomb daesh to death, assuming Turkey’s Sultan Recep I the Aptal, and our very own President don’t try to stop him.
Dateline: Johannesburg, South Africa
President/King/Self-Proclaimed Semi-Divine Being Robert “Bob” Mugabe did not fall, but actually fell to his knees in awe of himself. That’s right, that was no fall, but a form of appreciation of how awesome he is, this feat has only happened a few other times with such notables as Jim Jones, Pol Pot, and Nero.
I do hope you enjoyed our quick overview of world events. If you have a few minutes you should head over to Theo Spark, and take a look around.
The following is sarcasm. Enjoy at your own risk.
Dateline: Washington D.C.
In bizarre and ultimately failed attempt at the famed Jedi mind trick, assistant to the assistant to the deputy of the secretary of the assistant deputy White House spokesman, Eric Schultz tried to convince John Karl of ABC news that the Taliban weren’t a terrorist group. 132 children would disagree, if they could.
In other news President Obama has abandoned his plan to pay for the first 2 years of community college, by taking college savings away.
Dateline: Paris, France
Earlier this month, Secretary of State John Kerry finally arrived in ‘plans’ to join the Paris Anti-Terror Rally (Charlie Hebdo) nearly a week after Attorney General Eric Holder slithered out of the City of Lights to avoid going, to say nothing of Uncle Joe, who eagerly volunteered to run to Saudi Arabia to
creep on comfort anyone who would let him in the wake of the old King’s death, didn’t attend, and the President….too busy for the Valerie Jarret described ‘parade’.
Dateline: Ar-Raqqah, Syria
Daesh (ISIS) have released the latest edition of their state sponsored magazine, in it, the detail the correct way to raise little terrorists, also included recipes for the loving wife.
There has been no response from ISIS to Jordan’s warning that if their pilot was killed, that Jordan would go all Black September on them.
Dateline: Top Secret Base, Undisclosed Location
We have saved the best for last, Michael Moore, famed for his propaganda movies in the form of documentaries to say nothing of his magnum opus, Canadian Bacon, has decided that “we” were taught that snipers were cowards, and not wanting any Americans to be considered cowards has volunteered to replace all the snipers in the US Military with a weapon of his own design, so without further ado…
the Michael Francis Moore Wonder Weapon (M103A3E2)…
First you take Michael,
then since the military doesn’t make body armor in that size,
he strips naked, wraps himself in a camo net
and then he waits for the enemy to be about to attack innocent civilians or friendly forces and
he throws off the camo and charges into battle, as seen below
CAUTION THE FOLLOWING PICTURE CAN AND WILL CAUSE RETINA DAMAGE
Please turn away, we beg you, the horror of a naked Michael Moore in full on charge is enough to break anyone.
fine, here it is
just click the link….if you dare….
LINK to naked Michael Moore in full charge, You have been warned, so we accept no responsibility for heart attacks, strokes, blindness, nausea, vomiting or any other ill effects caused by you looking at this picture.
We are sorry but due to legal concerns we were forced to redact the photo of naked Michael Moore in full charge, but in the interest of your overwhelming and insatiable curiosity we give you a close facsimile. Enjoy…
Welcome to the New Year’s First Sarcastic post, once again the following is sarcasm…enjoy
Dateline: Paris, France:
In the worst anti-Islamic violence in decades, maybe even centuries, hundreds, nay, thousands of Muslims here in Paris and around Europe were treated to how civilized people’s express their displeasure (Je suis Charlie), nearly 4 million people came out in support of this ‘pogrom’, Heads of States including French President Francois Hollande, Albanian Prime Minister Edi Rama, Belgian PM Charles Michel, Bulgarian PM Boyko Borisov, Croatian PM Zoran Milanovic, Czech PM Bohuslav Sobotka, Danish PM Helle Thorning-Schmidt, Finnish PM Alexender Stubb, Georgian PM Irakli Garibashvili, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Greek PM Antonis Samaras, Hungarian PM Viktor Orban, Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny, Italian PM Matteo Renzi, Kosovo President Atifete Jahjaga, Latvian PM Laimdota Straujuma, Luxembourg PM Xavier Bettel, Maltese PM Joseph Muscat, Monaco State Minister Michel Roger, Dutch PM Mark Rutte, Norwegian PM Erna Solberg, Polish PM Ewa Kopacz, Portugese PM Pedro Passos Coelho, Romanian President Klaus Iohannis, Slovakian PM Robert Fico, Slovenian PM Miro Cerar, Spanish PM Mariano Rajoy, Swedish PM Stefan Lofven, Swiss Confederation President Simonetta Sommaruga, Turkish PM Ahmet Davutoglu, Ukrainian PM Petro Poroshenko, British PM David Cameron, Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Jordanian King Abdullah II (and his lovely bride, Queen Rania), Benin President Yayi Boni, Gabon President Ali Bongo Ondimba, Mali President Ibrahim Boubacar Keita, Niger President Mahamadou Issoufou, Tunisian PM Mehdi Jomaa, Togo President Faure Gnassingbe, Serbian PM Ivica Dacic, and Senegalese President Macky Sall, . The following countries sent their foreign ministers (or equivalent): Algeria, Armenia, Austria, Egypt, Estonia, Lebanon, Russia, and UAE. Brazil, China, India, and the US sent their Ambassadors to France. If you are a representative of a country not on this list you should be ashamed.
Dateline: Cairo, Egypt:
While we all knew that Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi had big brass ones, since he crushed the short-lived Muslim Brotherhood caliphate and the violence it generated, we were unaware that he had traded them in for titanium ones, in a shocking display, he went to the Al Azhar Mosque and University (often called the Vatican of Egyptian Islamic thought) and took them to task the Imams there for not dragging Islam into the modern era. While there is no doubt that President el Sisi has done some questionable things, it does seem he is looking out for the best interests of Egypt and peace through out the world. Bravo el-Sisi.
Dateline: Washington D.C., USA:
There is no truth to the rumor that the President was too busy practicing his putt to attend Sunday’s Republican Anti-terror marches in Paris (or one of the 40 cities around the world, including one in Washington D.C.).
Nor is there any truth to the fact that Vice President Biden was locked in a closet (again).
or that Secretary of State Kerry hasn’t been seen since he started looking for Constantinople, he is getting close, he is at a Dunkin Donuts in Islamabad per twitter @JohnKerry.
Initially the media was told that security was an issue, but the Secret Service issued a statement that they had not been tasked with providing security. Although we couldn’t swallow that fib either, with 40 plus world leaders attending, that rally or at least parts of that rally was literally the “safest place on the planet” for that time period. Considering the epic level of unpopularity of the federal government, we are surprised that all 4.3 million of them (as of 2012) didn’t pack up and head over to gay Paris, for a bit of a holiday. Although…perhaps they were afraid we would slam and lock the door behind them.
Have a great day, be safe, and come back soon.
Welcome to today’s Saturday Sark…
Dateline: Hollywood (actually Culver City), California, USA:
Sony Pictures Entertainment have unconditionally surrendered to the Guardians of Peace, an enigmatic hacker group in the employ of North Korea, and cancelled the Christmas day opening of the Seth Rogan/James Franco movie, The Interview. Using the pretext of a 9/11 type event at theaters to cancel the opening, when everyone on the planet knows that it is because the GoP promised to release a “Christmas gift”, considering the recent release that shows (the up til now unknown) hypocrisy of Hollywood, no one is surprised that Sony folded up like an origami swan. Sony has announced that it will make a movie about “The Great Leader”, as requested by Kim Jong-un, the current self-proclaimed semi-divine being/sexiest man alive/president-for-life. Amy Pascal has already requested an audience with alleged revered Al Sharpton, before doing the biopic, because who knows more about ‘truth’ then Al “Tawana Brawley” Sharpton.
Dateline: Washington D.C., USA:
Not to be out-Petain‘d by Amy Pascal, President Obama has unconditionally surrendered to walking dead caricatures Fidel and Raul Castro the only people on the planet who would accept the surrender. The White House denied any and all rumors concerning the return of the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base to Cuba, and the transfer/release of the detainees there.
Dateline: Peshawar, Islamic Republic of Pakistan:
In another blatant example of Islamic apostate extremist ‘bravery’, the Taliban attacked a school. The government of Pakistan was quick to point out that not one of the attackers were Pakistani, as 1 was Chechen (like the Tsarnov brothers), 2 Afghans, 1 Egyptian, 1 Moroccan, and 1 Arab of unknown nationality. Some more ‘vital’ facts:
2 were homophobic, 2 were homosexual, and 2 were both;
2 loved women and thought every man should own a few, 2 were too scared to talk about women, 1 preferred goats;
2 had bathed in the last month, 1 in the last 6 months, 2 in the last year, and 1 didn’t know what a bath was;
and there were 9 gunmen.
Dateline: Sydney, Australia:
Crazed gunman Man Haron Monis, who claimed loyalty to daesh (ISIS), before the Sydney Chocolate Cafe hostage crisis. Vast numbers of people in Australia and around the world have surrendered to lunacy and announced quite vigorously that Monis was crazy (no shit, sherlocks) so it doesn’t count as an Islamic terrorist attack (Oh OK). No one asked how a crazed man with a long history of legal trouble was able to get his grimy hands on a firearm in Australia were even thinking about guns is banned.
Dateline: New York City, New York, USA:
Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that he was surrendering to demands to follow the example set by a certain Ivy League school‘s policy, that he would allow police officers who were traumatized by the recent protests to take paid leave up to one month, he further decreed that all workers for the City of New York could also take the paid leave, no one in City Hall was available for comment.
In related news, US military personnel take care of business every day.
Dateline: Hawaii, USA:
In his ultimate surrender to date, President Obama, has fled the Oval office, and gone on vacation to his Hawaiian retreat, as he mulls his options for retirement. Rumors abound about Chicago, Hawaii, Isla de la Juventud, New York City, San Francisco abound, and the President himself joked about retiring to Kenya just to get the goat of birthers.
Wanna-be-Sultan Recep the Aptal has offered the President a comfy estate in Constantinople, while self-proclaimed semi-divine being/King/President Bob has offered the soon to be retired President a home in Harare but only if the President can help him hunt down witches. No comments from the First Lady.
The Preceding is sarcasm, if it offends you, tell a friend, show them this post, both of you should be offended equally.
and MERRY CHRISTMAS.
and remember DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE
and gifts for Dak should be in the form of vodka, silver, or blades 😀
seriously though, if you find yourself with a few extra coins, please remember all of the veterans out there who are suffering.
The following is sarcasm…
Dateline: Cambridge, Ma, USA: MIT announced today that Professor Jonathon Gruber will be leaving the Economic Department to head the newly formed Department of Economic Deception Policy, joining him will Kathleen Sebelius (former Secretary of Health and Human Services). Senator Feinstein asked who Gruber and Sebelius are.
Dateline: Harare, Zimbabwe(aka the Republic of Bob): President/King/Self-proclaimed Semi-divine being Bob has fired Vice President Joice Mujuru and 8 cabinet members today, calling her “a witch”. Bob then offered Professor Gruber a job as head of the office of economic propaganda for an amazing salary of Z$1 million per week. The good professor politely declined after realizing that Zimbabwe abandoned the Zimbabwe dollar half a decade ago. Senator Diane Feinstein has offered to take over as Vice President. Bob wisely declined. Bob furthered decreed that the infamous Malleus Maleficarum be reprinted and used as a guide to root out any other witches in Zimbabwe.
Dateline: Moscow, Russian Federation: Former professional amateur spy Anna Chapman has withdrawn her proposal to NSA leak Edward Snowden and thrown her love at venerable Senator Dianne Feinstein, stating simply “I love Dianne’s dedication to exposing those people who sent me back to this $#!!hole…er…I mean my beautiful homeland. I just want to be famous and rich American like Kim Kardashian”. Professor Gruden refused to comment and said talk to his counsel. Senator Feinstein commented, Who is Anna Chapman?
Dateline: Washington D.C.: White House spokesman Josh “Canadian Girlfriend” Earnest, has denied any reports that the administration is conducting a “scorched earth” policy against the incoming Republican controlled congress and by default all of America, rather he termed it a “well toasted soil” policy. Professor Gruber said speak to his counsel and Senator Feinstein cackled loudly. Bob got the heebeegeebees from that btw.
Dateline: Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran: The unnamed pilot who flew an American made (made prior to 1968) F-4 D/E in an air strike on ISIL targets in Iraq was awarded, the Iranian Military Order of Merit, kinda, it was the Military Order of Merit, but had a duck-taped picture of some old guy on the Pahlevi crown. Professor Gruber asked how much it was worth, and Senator Feinstein asked who Iran was.
Dateline: Washington D.C., USA: The meeting between Vice President Joe Biden (Uncle Joe) and Prince William (Duke of Cambridge) ended early when Uncle Joe kept asking the Prince to sing “Little Red Corvette“. Professor Gruber stated his favorite was “Diamonds and Pearls” and Senator Feinstein asked who Prince is and who Joe Biden is.
The above is a mix of hard truths, tarty sarcasm, and complete and total fabrications. If this offends you, please leave a comment below, I enjoy a good laugh.
Be Advised the following is SARCASM. Mostly True, but…Sarcastic.
Proceed with Caution and Intelligence.
— Hillary Clinton has set up her very own Ministry of Propaganda…Correct the Record. A waste of money IF she isn’t running for President in 2016.
— Senator Kirsten Gillibrand alleged in her recent book, that she was sexually harassed by fellow politicians, but then refused to name names. Bill Clinton and Uncle Joe (Biden not Stalin) breathed a sigh of relief picked up by the Mars lander.
— Josh Earnest recently stated “Well, when we are in a position to be more specific about the commitments that we’ve received from our allies and other interested regional governments, then we will do that.” Josh continued and I did actually have a girlfriend in high school, she lived in Canada. I’m just saying. Mrs. Earnest declined to comment, but did laugh hysterically.
— Secretary of State John Kerry was stunned to find out that after his Dance of the Seven Veils, that wanna be Sultan Recep Tayyip Erdogan still declined to help fight his BFF, ISIS. Secretary Kerry was heard saying I showed him my best moves.
Here are a few thoughts I have going on…
— Clive Bundy (the rancher who was and continues to be the victim of Federal Government bullying) has shown an amazing level of ignorance with his comments about the “negro”, failing to realize and/or care that many of his supporters are/were Americans who are of African descent. I pray that something will touch his heart, and he will not just not say hurtful untrue things but will actually become enlightened, and not paint an entire ethnic group with such a broad brush of ignorance and hate.
— The entire Donald Sterling debacle, besides being stomach turning that a person who holds such disgusting views has no problems exploiting (albeit well paid exploitation) the talents of his black players. As a side note, while Sterling was a recently registered Republican, as they say money talks and BS walks, his political contributions have been decidedly left-wing.
— In keeping with the Donald Sterling thought, Vanessa Stivano, if a guy buys you 2 Bentleys, a Ferrari, and a $1.8 million condo, and you call yourself his silly rabbit, you are NOT his assistant, you are his mistress.
— Jay Carney has become the President’s very own ‘Baghdad Bob’, first it was “bending the truth”, then “twisting the truth”, then flat-out lying, and now…reality has left the building. I hope they are throwing piles of cash at you, Jay, because you would have more credibility if you sold your ass for crack on the street corner then you do now.
— In Nigeria, Boko Haram (led by Abubakar Shekau) kidnapped 276 girls from a school, and is now threatening to sell them as slave wives to other Islamic extremists. I’ll pray for the safe return of all these girls to their families, and hope that Abubakar’s last thought is “Oh shit, that Predator just launched a Hellfire“.
I apologize for my recent absence, I have been feeling under the weather of late. More fun stuff to come, so come back soon.
Dateline — Moscow, Russia
President Vladimir Putin, has decided to crown himself Emperor of All the Russias. Kremlin spokesman stated the date for the coronation has not been set, but will be soon and to expect the full regalia.
— President Obama has stated he cannot make as he is scheduled for the back 9 on that date.
— Vice President Biden’s spokesman said that Uncle Joe will be sent to some third world hell hole, because, “well Biden says enough dumb things with out unlimited vodka, we would be insane to let him go to Moscow”.
— National Security Adviser Susan Rice, stated that she is pretty sure she seen it on a YouTube video.
— former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, has stated that after coming under sniper attack on her last visit to Moscow, she feels like…”What difference does it make? and NO, Bill won’t be attending, to many hot Russian women.”
— Secretary of State John Kerry is heading to Constantinople to reassure the Ottoman Sultan, that the revived Russian Empire is of no threat, as soon as he finds an airline heading that way.
— Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, has stated he is too busy hunting ‘domestic terrorists’, saying after donning his Emperor robes, “Soon the rebel alliance will be crushed.”
— On the upside, Russian language teachers are in high demand from Helsinki to Warsaw to Istanbul to Tbilisi, and beyond. So time to break out the books…