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Sark Saturday (28 Feb 15) The End of February 2015 Edition

The following is sarcasm, while our intent is not to irritate, aggravate, humiliate, or any other …ate, we can not deny that we don’t have a problem with those things.  So if you are irritated, aggravated, humiliated, or any other …ated, please leave a quick note, that way we can cachinnate.

 

SarkSat

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA

Soon to be retiring Attorney General Eric “The Duck” Holder has blamed Fox news for Americans (and I am assuming Britons, Australians, French, Israelis, Syrians, Jordanians, Iraqis, Afghans, Indians, Pakistanis, Canadians, Belgians, Danes, Russians etc) for thinking that terrorism is a threat.  I am not sure if that factored into his flat-out refusal to give an “exit” interview to Fox news or could it possibly be that Ducky played this game…[Link]

 

Dateline:  Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe

President/King/Self-Proclaimed Semi-Divine Being Bob celebrated his 91st birthday at the colonial-era town near the famed waterfall.  While giving no indications of stepping down anytime soon, Bob and his guests (members of the ruling junta) gorged themselves on the meat of a pair of elephants that oh so willingly gave up their lives to sate Bob’s prodigious hunger.  [Where is PETA when you need them?]  After blaming the UK for all the ills of Zimbabwe’s current condition, he stated that he planned to “liberate” more white “safari owners” land.  Translating Bob-ese into English that means more land stolen from anyone who opposes his autocratic inept rule to be redistributed to his loyalists.  So anyone thinking of taking safari to Zimbabwe…Don’t.  It could be a fatal error.

 

Dateline:  Cairo, Arab Republic of Egypt

In a shocking turn of events, Judge Mohamed el-Sayed of the Court For Urgent Matters ruled that Hamas (the totally NOT corrupt and incompetent rulers of the Gaza strip) is a terrorist group, citing recent attacks on civilians and security forces in the Sinai and beyond, because they intended to harm the country (Egypt).    Although one wonders if this has anything to do with the rumors floating around that ISIS has established a presence in Gaza and Hamas fighters were flocking to the new wannabes, and that Hamas leadership were in communication and possibly negotiations with ISIS for some sort of partnership.  Egypt has already bombed ISIS targets in Libya after the mass murder of Egyptian Coptic Christian workers there.

 

Dateline:  London, England, Great Britain

In news that spits in the face of Marie Harf, deputy spokesperson for the US State Department, who stated that we need to give terrorists jobs to prevent terrorism.  Jihad Johnny/Jihad John (aka Mohammed Emwazi) was college educated (with a degree in computer science) and was not in need of job, he is in need of a bullet to the brain, a tomahawk to the torso, or a hellfire to the head.  Marie Harf who is shockingly an intelligence analyst by trade, defended her statement by claiming that her argument was too nuanced for some, or it could possibly be that her argument was just plain IDIOTIC.  Nearly all wars end when one side gets tired of dying, meaning you CAN kill your way out of a war.  Lack of jobs do not create terrorists, power-hungry assholes create terrorists.  Less I remind everyone that Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan had nearly 100% employment, and both continued to fight until we (The US, UK, USSR, and our allies) killed enough of them that they begged for peace.  Gee, you think that would work here?  Absolutely.  Germany and Japan both had a major cultural changes after the war, both of those countries are now some of the most peaceful countries on the planet.  That sounds like a good plan to me.  I would love to see, a Christian church, a Jewish synagogue, a Hindu Temple, a Buddhist Pagoda or Vihara, and a Pagan Sacred Grove in Mecca along with the Mosque there.

 

Dateline:  New York City, New York, USA

If you were wondering what the United Nations has been up to for the past couple of months while ISIS (Daesh) has been chopping heads off, burning people alive, and generally committing genocide, well so were we hence we looked into it.   The UN Security council has…as of late last evening, strongly condemned the “ongoing barbaric terrorist acts” committed by militants of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) aka ISIS or Daesh or a bunch of asshats running around killing, raping, destroying, you know crimes against humanity type things that the UN was allegedly formed to stop, and reaffirmed its determination in defeating the extremist group.  Wow!!  Can you feel the determination?  Rumors abound about ISIS contemplating surrendering to the UN.  Not really.  Good thing we pay millions of dollars for the UN to deplore ISIS’s genocide.  Bravo UN, keep up the great work.  In other news, UN chief Ban Ki-moon visited a dam in Chile.  While I generally don’t criticize the UN, mainly because I don’t pick low hanging fruit, seriously I couldn’t let this one slide by.

 

on a lighter note:

 

Dateline:  Outside a Pub, Ireland

An intellectually challenged thief met his match when he tried repeatedly to break the window on a Mercedes, until the brick he threw at the defenseless vehicle bounced off, hit him in the face, and knocked him unconscious.  If I were Mercedes marketing, I would make a commercial out of the video.

 

 

Sark Saturday (7 Feb 2015)

The following is sarcasm, if you are intellectually challenged, proceed with caution, if you are easily offended, frequently confused, of an inhibitor of cheap artificial grape-flavored children’s drink, you may wish to flee immediately, the following will surely cause your eyes to pop from your skull, your ears to bleed, and your heart to play The Ballroom Blitz.  You have been warned.

SarkSat

Dateline:  Washington D.C.

At the National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama gave Islam a sharp back-handed compliment (some say it was so good, even he didn’t realize it).

Humanity has been grappling with these questions throughout human history, and lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ.  In our home country, slavery and Jim Crow all too often was justified in the name of Christ.”

Did you see what he did there?

PrezO1

First he referenced the Crusades, which as we all know were the Christian response to Islam conquering Christian lands around the middle east, from Egypt in the South up to what is now Turkey in the North, very smooth, Mr. President; but wait there is more…

PrezO3

the inquisition, a suave reference to a particular episode in the Catholic church’s history that had part of its cause when people were concerned that Muslim converts to Christianity (Moriscos) were supplying Muslim pirates, the Corsairs sailing out of North Africa with the full support of the Caliphate in the form of the Ottoman Empire, information to raid coastal regions of Spain to abduct locals for the slave market; but wait,

????????

there is even more by referencing slavery in the west, he subtly points to the fact that it was Muslim traders with whom the first European traders purchased black Africans as slaves to be shipped to the Americas, and the fact that Muslim traders were instrumental in ensuring a continuous supply of Christian and Pagan black Africans to be shipped off to the Americas as slaves…Bam…painfully slick, like a greased pig, but even then it didn’t stop, Oh no, the President had one more to go, yes he did,

his reference to Jim Crow, a straight up poke in the eye,

Jim Crow…was the name of a lessor known character played by the the world famous caricature actor Sebastian Woodly, Mr. Woodly who would later travel to the middle east where he met and fell in love with a young goat herder, converted to Islam, and then retired to Baltimore, County Cork, Ireland, much to the chagrin of the locals as Mr. Woodley would often chase the livestock about, some say in heartbreak, others say in hunger, and even others say he was just a dodgey old codger.

obama-confused

But I digress,

that last one aside,

it was a pretty smooth set of digs at Muslims and every one true

(again not the last one, to head off any controversy as far as we know there has never been an actor named Sebastian Woodly who did all those things, and any confusion is completely and totally because you missed the part above that said this was sarcasm),

we can only stand back and watch in shock and awe.

Dateline:  Amman, Jordan

KingofJordan

Warrior King Abdullah II of Jordan has issued a personal challenge to mortal combat between himself and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to settle their differences, while we here at Dak’s Bays prefer a cage match with sharpened rusted spoons, one can assume the good King Abdullah who commanded Jordan’s elite special forces could mop the floor with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi whose primary skills include planning world conquest, petting white cats, and indulging his goat fur-lined combat boots fetish.  While it does seem unlikely that Abu Bakr will accept the King’s offer, the good King plans to attempt to use the Royal Jordanian Air Force to bomb daesh to death, assuming Turkey’s Sultan Recep I the Aptal, and our very own President don’t try to stop him.

Dateline:  Johannesburg, South Africa

Mugabe

President/King/Self-Proclaimed Semi-Divine Being Robert “Bob” Mugabe did not fall, but actually fell to his knees in awe of himself.  That’s right, that was no fall, but a form of appreciation of how awesome he is, this feat has only happened a few other times with such notables as Jim Jones, Pol Pot, and Nero.

Images of "The Fall"

Images of “The Fall”

I do hope you enjoyed our quick overview of world events.  If you have a few minutes you should head over to Theo Spark, and take a look around.

Saturday Sark (31 Jan 15)

SarkSat

The following is sarcasm.  Enjoy at your own risk.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C.

In bizarre and ultimately failed attempt at the famed Jedi mind trick, assistant to the assistant to the deputy of the secretary of the assistant deputy White House spokesman, Eric Schultz tried to convince John Karl of ABC news that the Taliban weren’t a terrorist group.  132 children would disagree, if they could.

In other news President Obama has abandoned his plan to pay for the first 2 years of community college, by taking college savings away.

 

Dateline:  Paris, France

Earlier this month, Secretary of State  John Kerry finally arrived in ‘plans’ to join the Paris Anti-Terror Rally (Charlie Hebdo) nearly a week after Attorney General Eric Holder slithered out of the City of Lights to avoid going, to say nothing of Uncle Joe, who eagerly volunteered to run to Saudi Arabia to creep on comfort anyone who would let him in the wake of the old King’s death, didn’t attend, and the President….too busy for the Valerie Jarret described ‘parade’.

 

Dateline:  Ar-Raqqah, Syria

Daesh (ISIS) have released the latest edition of their state sponsored magazine, in it, the detail the correct way to raise little terrorists, also included recipes for the loving wife.

There has been no response from ISIS to Jordan’s warning that if their pilot was killed, that Jordan would go all Black September on them.

 

Dateline:  Top Secret Base, Undisclosed Location

We have saved the best for last, Michael Moore, famed for his propaganda movies in the form of documentaries to say nothing of his magnum opus, Canadian Bacon, has decided that “we” were taught that snipers were cowards, and not wanting any Americans to be considered cowards has volunteered to replace all the snipers in the US Military with a weapon of his own design, so without further ado…

we present…

 

the Michael Francis Moore Wonder Weapon (M103A3E2)

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First you take Michael,

Michael Moore

Michael Moore

then since the military doesn’t make body armor in that size,

he strips naked, wraps himself in a camo net

Camouflage Net aka Camo Net

Camouflage Net aka Camo Net

and then he waits for the enemy to be about to attack innocent civilians or friendly forces and

he throws off the camo and charges into battle, as seen below

CAUTION THE FOLLOWING PICTURE CAN AND WILL CAUSE RETINA DAMAGE

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Please turn away, we beg you, the horror of a naked Michael Moore in full on charge is enough to break anyone.

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fine, here it is

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just click the link….if you dare….

LINK to naked Michael Moore in full charge, You have been warned, so we accept no responsibility for heart attacks, strokes, blindness, nausea, vomiting or any other ill effects caused by you looking at this picture.

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We are sorry but due to legal concerns we were forced to redact the photo of naked Michael Moore in full charge, but in the interest of your overwhelming and insatiable curiosity we give you a close facsimile.  Enjoy…

Tart Tuesday, The Gruber Feinstein Edition (9 Dec 14)

The following is sarcasm…

 

Dateline:  Cambridge, Ma, USA:  MIT announced today that Professor Jonathon Gruber will be leaving the Economic Department to head the newly formed Department of Economic Deception Policy, joining him will Kathleen Sebelius (former Secretary of Health and Human Services).  Senator Feinstein asked who Gruber and Sebelius are.

 

Dateline:  Harare, Zimbabwe(aka the Republic of Bob):  President/King/Self-proclaimed Semi-divine being Bob has fired Vice President Joice Mujuru and 8 cabinet members today, calling her “a witch”.  Bob then offered Professor Gruber a job as head of the office of economic propaganda for an amazing salary of Z$1 million per week.  The good professor politely declined after realizing that Zimbabwe abandoned the Zimbabwe dollar half a decade ago.  Senator Diane Feinstein has offered to take over as Vice President.  Bob wisely declined.  Bob furthered decreed that the infamous Malleus Maleficarum be reprinted and used as a guide to root out any other witches in Zimbabwe.

 

Dateline:  Moscow, Russian Federation:  Former professional amateur spy Anna Chapman has withdrawn her proposal to NSA leak Edward Snowden and thrown her love at venerable Senator Dianne Feinstein, stating simply “I love Dianne’s dedication to exposing those people who sent me back to this $#!!hole…er…I mean my beautiful homeland.  I just want to be famous and rich American like Kim Kardashian”.  Professor Gruden refused to comment and said talk to his counsel.  Senator Feinstein commented, Who is Anna Chapman?

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C.:  White House spokesman Josh “Canadian Girlfriend” Earnest, has denied any reports that the administration is conducting a “scorched earth” policy against the incoming Republican controlled congress and by default all of America, rather he termed it a “well toasted soil” policy.  Professor Gruber said speak to his counsel and Senator Feinstein cackled loudly.  Bob got the heebeegeebees from that btw.

 

Dateline:  Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran:  The unnamed pilot who flew an American made (made prior to 1968) F-4 D/E in an air strike on ISIL targets in Iraq was awarded, the Iranian Military Order of Merit, kinda, it was the Military Order of Merit, but had a duck-taped picture of some old guy on the Pahlevi crown.  Professor Gruber asked how much it was worth, and Senator Feinstein asked who Iran was.

 

Dateline:  Washington D.C., USA:  The meeting between Vice President Joe Biden (Uncle Joe) and Prince William (Duke of Cambridge) ended early when Uncle Joe kept asking the Prince to sing “Little Red Corvette“.  Professor Gruber stated his favorite was “Diamonds and Pearls” and Senator Feinstein asked who Prince is and who Joe Biden is.

 

The above is a mix of hard truths, tarty sarcasm, and complete and total fabrications.  If this offends you, please leave a comment below, I enjoy a good laugh.

Saturday Week in Review (22 Mar 14)

The Week in Review

The Week in Review

 

This week in review…

 

*  Whoever is in charge of Kuala Lampur airport security should be fired, seriously, have you seen this video?  It is security camera video of the two pilots of the Malaysian Air jet that has been missing for almost 2 weeks now.  Seriously, buy some real cameras or at least hire somebody to stand there with their smart phone and record.

 

* For those of you, who are not quite clear on what realpolitik is, meet Vladimir Putin…Putin He just schooled President Obama on realpolitik, again.

 

* Crimea has voted to rejoin Russia, after declaring their independence from Ukraine.  For those of you wringing your hands about Crimea, don’t sweat it, let us be realistic, it is not in our national interests whether territory that has been Russian for 400 odd years, and filled with Russians is ruled by Russia.  It is definitely not worth drawing another red line that we won’t do anything about, as that only makes us look weak, and will cause us to have issues in other places that are in our national interests.  Pick your battles, and the Crimea is not of value to us.

 

* ObamaCare (aka The Affordable Healthcare Act) has been ‘modified/delayed’ again, that would be in the deep 30s in terms of modifications and delays.  Now I am not sure, but that sure does seem to be unique amongst federal laws in such a short time but, what I find odd, is the entire clusterfuck was designed (allegedly) to lower healthcare costs, provide insurance coverage to the 30+ million uninsured Americans, and to lower the debt and deficit to boot (the very definition of “if it sounds to good to be true, it probably is”), shouldn’t we look to what made America the leader in healthcare?  The free market system.  If the government wants to affect the price of medical care, perhaps, Tort Reform, Insurance Reform, and helping students wanting to enter the medical field with their costs for education, would actually do some good.

 

* Earlier this week over a hundred illegal aliens were apprehended rescued from a stash house in Houston.  Why if roughly 10% of Mexico’s population is already here in America, and literally hundreds of Mexicans die every year attempting the dangerous crossing from Mexico to America, through some of the harshest climates in the world, led by criminals whose primary concern is cash, to be packed into cars, trucks, and houses like sardines, has not asked, one simple question…What the hell is going on in Mexico that all of these people are running from?

Has the time come for the USA to liberate Mexico.  People always talk about doing the humanitarian thing while wanting to offer amnesty to all of the illegal aliens, well let’s do one better, let us liberate the whole damn country, make them American, stamp out the epidemic corruption and violence that forces these poor people to flee for a better life.  Problem solved, and it is a lot closer to home.

FridayFreakout

 

Is it just me….or do you also notice…..

that some people don’t understand the the First Amendment (Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..) did you notice it doesn’t say…AHHH don’t mix religion and government?  Yea, oddly it totally did NOT.  Crazy right?  For those of you, who don’t understand those words, they mean…..Congress won’t designate an official religion, and they won’t ban a religion (at least theoretically).  That is it, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Our prayers and thoughts go out to Ukraine, sadly people have died, to ensure that the government of Ukraine listens to their people.  Something about that weird ass term, democracy, go figure, maybe it will catch on.  Who knows.  No government can stand against the will of the people.  Get informed.

 

Have you heard what is going on in Scotland?  Sir William Wallace, himself, has risen from the grave, and killed every single member of the Scottish Parliament with his Claymore.  It was insane, blood and guts everywhere.  Oh wait, no that totally did not happen, but the Scottish parliament (may each and every member die the same way Sir William did) voted (105 to 0) for “the Children and Young People Bill” (oddly wikipedia doesn’t have any information on it passing), assigns a “named person” to oversee each and every child in Scotland.  [Longshanks is loving this.]  Allegedly, for the child’s own good.  [Of course, if you believe that, I have some premium ocean front property for sale in Arizona.  Best available, going quick.  Seriously, don’t miss this chance to make me obscenely wealthy].

Anyway, if you think this is a nice and caring way to take care of children, I have to say,

You, Sir or Madam, are a DUMBASS!  If you are a realists, and realize that this is most definitely on the slippery slope of statism, I welcome you to the planet earth, most of you have been here long before me.

Let us take a quick walk on the path of possibilities…

let us assume, that the next David Beckham (please use Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, or Peyton Manning if it pleases you) is born in Scotland.  Do you really think that the “named person” would not in some way shape and or form, want a piece of that action, money-wise?  PUH-LEZE.  That child would be out of your custody so quickly, you’d think he/she was the neighbors kid.  All for the good of the child (read:  Government).  You object?  Yea, your rights as a parent are inferior to this “named person”.  Check out the link:  [@:  http://wholetruthmedia.com]

 

That is it for this wonderful Friday…Be Responsible for your actions, and be Safe.

Dak

 

Friday Freakout (25 Oct 13)

Friday Freakout

Friday Freakout

 

Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius said earlier this week “I don’t work for the people calling for me to resign…”

It seems poor Ms. Sebelius who has not had a real job in literally in decades (by real job I mean not working for the government) has forgotten who it is she works for, she works for….

we, THE PEOPLE

I know the idiots in the tower think they are above us mere mortals,

who struggle to make a living,

worry about our families and our country,

and try to live our life as kindly, courteously, and honestly as possible.

It is far past time to make a point to the idiots in the tower,

that the should NOT loot the treasury,

hook up their buddies,

and generally make a mess of things.

 

Now I am not some political pundit or history expert who is going to quote things said by one person or another, tbh I don’t give a flying falcon’s feathered butt about what some dead dude said about something, I care about what is here and now, and what is right and wrong.

Sebelius works for the president,

and the President works for US.

Sebelius screwed up, EPICALLY

she needs to retire,

she is 65,

and no doubt far richer than the average American,

I would love to see her brought up on charges of corruption and incompetence,

a mountain of money went into building the ACA website,

and for it to fail so badly is rather pathetic.

This is the exact reason why so many people are not wanting the government to take over health care, the amazing level of incompetence.  Anyone who wants government-run health care, needs some serious (mental) health care.

SACK SEBELIUS

Mordant Monday Morning (14 Oct 13)

Mordant Monday

Mordant Monday

 

Congratulations to the Nobel Peace Prize selection committee on selecting a bureaucratic organization associated with the United Nations for the Nobel Peace Prize.  I mean really, why would you select a young girl whose completely unreasonable stand on female education got her shot in the face at close range by Islamic extremist terrorists and recovered to become a symbol around the world for bravery.  That is just silly.

 

Kudos to President Obama for his attempts at making the US Government shut down as painful as possible for those picayune veterans who wanted to see the Memorial paid for by private funds dedicated to their brothers and sisters in arms who died protecting this country.  Open air memorials are not to be enjoyed by the public unless the government says so.  If the shutdown continues the President has already said he will refuse to pay the veterans (even the disabled veterans) that will show them for trying to defend the Constitution from all enemies foreign and domestic.  And how humiliating to the President to see all of those barricades piled up in front of the White House.  For Shame, naughty people displaying your displeasure with Barry.

 

The US Congress has issued a press release attempting to clear up some common misconceptions,

1.)  Boehner is NOT a french name.

2.)  Tomahawks are not Cruz missiles, they are close though.

3.)  Harry Reid did not play the Emperor in Star Wars.

4.)  Neither did Nancy Pelosi.

5.)  There is NO IQ test for membership in Congress.

 

 

 

I hope I put a smile on your face and in your heart for your week at work (unless you are a furloughed government worker in which case for your week at home, Do your Honey Do List, people).